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The conversation is the same. The players are different.
There is an idea, a spark, a risk.
Share this art, this gift, this new thing?
Pause. It is not perfect.
I will share it someday, but it is not ready.
More work.
Pause. It could be better.
Even more work.
Pause. If I just (insert phase here) it will be perfect enough to share.
Imagine how much the Perfectionism Pause has robbed all of us of YOUR gifts.
I have a project. An exciting, new project. A project that I have been talking about for months. A project that partners me with another person (someone who is extremely intelligent, organized, and a deep thinker). We met on the project a few times, took notes, and had a game plan with various assignments.
This project has been on my plate for a few months. I started some research, then stopped. I opened the file to start writing, then stopped. I took the folder out of my briefcase, only to put it back in. For whatever reason, I could not “Ship It” or make progress.
Something was triggering this procrastination. I tried to pin down the reason, but could not find the words.
I took a risk and called this partner. We decided to meet.
“I have to confess. Despite the excitement around this project and our discussions, I have not made any progress on my part.”
“Well, to be honest, I have had the same struggle.”
Another risk. The real risk.
“Ok, here is the thing. I am a little intimidated working with you on this project because you know this material and have studied it in more depth, and are so smart, and so…”
“What? You are intimidated by me?”
The reason for the mutual procrastination was revealed. We both viewed the other person as more competent, intelligent, and suited for this project. I am sure some it stems from the “Less Than Default Switch” and this setting skews our perspective of others.
Our conversation continued.
“It is almost as if I am among giants, when I compare myself to others.”
“Exactly, but I am still surprised you feel that way. I understand why I feel that way, but not you.”
Among giants. Our perceptions of others, their abilities, their accomplishments, their status can warp our own self-perception. This distortion can create the fear and insecurity that holds us back from trying, shipping, or stretching ourselves.
They are not actually giants. They are fellow travelers on this journey. But this problem seems older that just me and this project. Older than you and your project, idea, or journey as well.
“Why, man, he doth bestride the narrow world
Like a Colossus, and we petty men
Walk under his huge legs and peep about” Cassius(Julius Caesar, Act 1, Scene 2)
After hearing similar narratives during different coaching sessions, a pattern became clear.
Different people, same narratives.
Different issues, same descriptions.
Different positions, same struggles.
“I want to write, I would love to write, but I am not good enough compared to him/her.”
“Other people in the office seem to have their act together, but not me.”
“I am not as [insert word here] as her/him.”
“That [job, career, relationship, achievement] is for someone else, not me.”
“I’m sorry…[not always for anything specific, but a response to lots of circumstances or conflicts, even when they are not at fault].”
An image of a switch came to my mind. A switch buried deep within their being that was stuck on the Less Than setting by default.
The Less Than Default Switch.
No matter what actually is occurring in their lives, the switch in this position interprets them as being Less Than others. When they achieve something great, accomplish a goal, or create something amazing, the switch discounts all of it.
Even worse, when thinking about trying something new, striving for a goal, or being creative, the Less Than Default Switch short-circuits the motivation to try.
I mentioned the switch.
Surprise. Revelation. A few tears.
“Just for a moment, imagine that switch. See it in the Less Than position…Now, turn the switch to Neutral.”
Understanding.
“Just think about what you could do, accomplish, try, achieve, create, or pursue now that your switch is in the Neutral position.”
Hope.
Listen, to yourself and those around you. If your Less Than Default Switch is active, go ahead and give that knob a turn. Move it to Neutral. If someone around has the switch on Less Than, help them move their knob as well.
Over time, Neutral can become your new default setting.
No more discounting.
No more comparison.
Just you; allowing your gifts, talents, creativity, and art to flow.
Our youngest daughter recently began running with me. We found some new shoes and planned a run.
“How far do you want to go on your first run?”
“How far do you normally go when you go off running?”
“Well my typical everyday route is a 5k.”
“How far is that?”
“3.1 miles.”
“Okay we should do that.”
We ran. We talked. We laughed.
We had to slow down a few times. She is used to sprinting on the soccer field.
As I watched her, her stride, gate, and frame something became clear: it is only a matter of time before she can out run me. With a combination of pride and a little envy, I realized my job is to coach her well, enjoy this time with her, and help her excel in something that she seems designed to do.
Each step confirmed that she is a runner.
But there is a hill.
In addition to providing encouragement and some tips on breathing, I explained that there is The Hill Rule in running. For those of you not familiar with this particular rule, let me explain.
The Hill Rule: when running up a hill, you are not allowed to stop. If you need to stop there are only two options.
1. Stop before you get to the hill, catch your breath, then proceed up the hill.
2. Stop at the top of the hill, after you run up the hill.
The reason for The Hill Rule is simple. A large part of running is a mental game. Stopping in the middle of a hill imprints a pattern that you cannot run hills, and you will tend to stop when faced with the next larger hill. The Hill Rule breaks this pattern, and does acknowledge that hills are hard, but there are options to overcome them.
The more I thought about The Hill Rule, the more I could see how it applies to any obstacle we face. When we give up or stop in the middle, we develop a pattern that can continue the next time that obstacle arises. Frankly, a large part of life is a mental game.
Try applying The Hill Rule to your next obstacle. Either stop and rest before you tackle it, or rest when it is over. No stopping in the middle.
We ran up that hill without stopping. We rested at the end, and celebrated the run.
We are looking forward to the next run, and there will be hills.
I am a runner.
Sometimes my narrator tries to convince me that I am someone who used to run, or someone who just runs now and then.
Sometimes when I tell other people I run, they try to convince me that running will ruin my knees.
Sometimes I wonder if I will injure myself again.
Sometimes I think about giving up, and slowing down.
Sometimes fear creeps in.
But,
Maybe it is each and every choice to run that makes me a runner.
Maybe my voice can override those other voices.
Maybe it is lack of activity that also ruins knees.
Maybe I could listen to the orthopedic doctor who said I would be running into my 80’s with the right plan.
Maybe my miles will decrease, but my activity will remain.
Maybe learning to dance with fear is better in the long run.
Where have you been convinced that you should give up, slow down, and stop “running”?
Where has the fear or the voices told you that it is too late?
Perhaps we could all be running into our 80’s.
Perhaps you could be [insert your activity, goal, or dream here] into your 80’s.
(Image Courtesy of Angryjogger.com)
Coaching someone is an interesting adventure. You are trying to help someone develop themselves, establish and accomplish their goals, and encourage them when the journey becomes difficult. A typical coaching session includes checking in and checking up on any progress since the last session.
Progress can be slow.
Progress can be hard.
Progress is about making a repeated effort, over and over again.
Having someone else check in with you can be helpful.
Having someone else check in with you can be frustrating.
Sometimes there is great progress. Sometimes progress is slow. Sometimes obstacles get in the way. When checking in, you can sense when progress has been slow by the tension during the meeting. There is a quiet hesitation as you begin to ask questions.
When frustration builds, answers sort of blurt out.
“I will be there someday…”
Those words told a story. A story of frustration at how steep the journey had become. A story where each subsequent step was harder than the last. A story that felt endless when trying to envision the top of those stairs when standing at the bottom.
Those words told another story. A story with a little hope. A story that needed to rest between steps. A story that needed to remember to occasionally look back, and see that each step was one step closer to the top. A story that despite the hardship, still believed that “I will be there someday.”
Where has your journey become steep? Where has the progress slowed or stopped?
Maybe today is a good day to remind yourself to take that next step, and remember that YOU will be there someday.
Carl Weber Consulting 