Category: Family

Mythology

Posted on by Carl Weber

It was good to hear their voice. We were catching up on a recent phone call. We are related, have known each other for most of our lives, and it has been a while since we talked. Their voice was familiar but different. Time has a tendency to change things.

Lots of topics. Work, life, and struggles. We spoke of our parents. Resolved and unresolved issues. Loss and times of reconciliation and times when we did not or could not reconcile before the end.

“Things got a lot easier for me when I simply saw my parents as people. People who struggle, not on some pedestal.”

Their reframing was helpful. We also spoke about the stories we heard growing up. The stories that shaped us. Some of the stories were supposed to be inspiring. Some of the stories were supposed to provide a warning. Some stories were for fun. Some stories were more serious. There were always stories.

These collective stories were really part of something else.

Mythology.

Mythology is a set of stories or beliefs about a particular person, institution, or situation, especially when exaggerated or fictitious.

Mythology was exactly what we experienced.

Sets of stories and beliefs.

Exaggerated and fictitious accounts.

Mythology that shaped us, our views, our opinions, and our beliefs.

“People do have a tendency to put themselves (and sometimes others) in the best light.”

This new frame helped us both. We see the Mythology clearly and understand some of the motivation behind it. Attempts to teach, to assist, to cover-up, to deal with pain and issues, to inspire hope in dark times.

We all have Mythology.

Our Mythology shaped us, but it may be fictitious.

Our Mythology might have served us, but it may be time to look beyond those stories.

How has your Mythology limited you and created barriers?

How can recognizing this Mythology help you move forward?

For me, simply recognizing Mythology was a great first step in clearing out some of the mental baggage we all carry.

Perspective

Posted on by Carl Weber

The format of the conversations with clients, friends, and family in the past 22 months changed.

A lot more electronic. A lot less in person. A lot more isolating.

The content of those conversations changed as well.

A lot more struggle. A lot less hope. A lot more isolating.

And something else changed as well.

Perspective.

A lot more emphasis on what is important.

A lot less wasting time on trivial things.

A lot more openness about challenges – internal, relational, and professional.

A lot less pretending that “everything is fine.”

A lot more real.

A lot more open.

A lot more honest.

A lot more wisdom.

One conversation had a nugget of wisdom that I thought I would share. It is profound and open, and inspiring and helped me with perspective. It was during a period of significant struggle.

“No idea what tomorrow has in store. But there is more going well than going badly.”

They laughed when they saw their words on a t-shirt. I had one made for them, and one for me. It was the perspective I needed as well.

Listen closely, there may be some t-shirt worthy wisdom around you as well.

Conversations and How to Have Them

Posted on by Carl Weber

Together we discussed friendship, which was one of my favorite experiences. But recently I have noticed that friendship (or relationships in general) are built and fueled by conversations.

Over the past few months I have been observing conversations.

But conversations are weird.

Some are like duels.

Some are like speeches.

Some are veiled.

Some are superficial.

Only a few are deep and memorable.

I recently shared some of these conversation observations with a class. Not just any class, but the last class of the year. This particular class has become a yearly tradition and it isn’t lost on me that the final chapter of the year (right before the Holiday Season) is a class on Emotional Intelligence.

Before I shared, I asked.

“What does it take to have a good conversation?”

The answers came.

“Listening. Letting other people speak. Making eye contact. Not being distracted. Not looking at your phone. Asking questions.”

Great answers. Great advice.

It was the last one that really resonated with me. It is what I have been observing.

Asking questions.

You need all of the first things, but it is the last part that may make the real difference.

Asking questions.

Demonstrates that you are interested in others and not just about yourself. (I have a friend who has made extreme strides in this area, and jokes about how they used to be as a reminder. During a conversation they will jump in with “Enough about me, now I want to hear what you think about me.”

Asking questions.

Questions help you to learn about others.

My assignment to this class was to spend the Holiday Season practicing having conversations. This practice starts with asking questions. It may be helpful to try out a few of these questions over your Holiday Season as well.

  1. How are you? (And listen to the reply. Wait for a reply beyond “I’m good” or “Fine” and maybe ask a second time. Really, how are you?
  2. What is going well?
  3. What are you most excited for in 2017?
  4. What are three things that you would most like to accomplish in the next year?
  5. What is the last book you read?
  6. How are you balancing your multiple roles?
  7. Can you tell me a little more about what you do? What most excites you about what you do?

And the list goes on.

Be careful about asking a question, then jumping in with your own answers to each of these questions. Remember my friend’s quote, this is about them, not you.

Asking questions.

Go try it out and let us know how it goes.

P.S. Sometimes conversations drift towards things that are not as important (Politics, Sports, the Weather) and I have a fun trigger phrase with a few friends when we drift off. Whenever one of us dwells too much on the latest game stats or news story, one of us remembers to say, “Are you Sad?” (Because we must be avoiding real conversation out of sadness…) We all chuckle and get back to focusing on things that matter most.

Hating Salmon and Lemon Squares

Posted on by Carl Weber

“He hates Salmon.”

“He hates Lemon Squares.”

“He is grumpy if he doesn’t eat.”

“He is grumpy if woken from a nap.”

“He [insert event, either one time or a repeated event that happened, and form a hard-wired rule about the person despite the passage of time, even years].”

There was a time when I didn’t really like eating salmon. You know the poached (was it boiled?) kind smothered in a creamy sauce with dill.

Rule #1: Carl hates salmon.

There was a time when desserts in general were not my favorite, I am more of a savory person, and since periodically I may be training for something or trying to lose weight, sweets of any kind are not my friend.

Rule #2: Carl hates lemon squares.

Years later, the remnants of those rules still appear. People are surprised when I eat Salmon (grilled and savory is my favorite) or take a bite of a lemon square.

The preferences at that moment were not meant to create a hard-wired rule.

The preferences were a snapshot in time.

But, times change.

And people change.

We think we know them.

We think they are the same.

We think we had it right.

How many times have these hard-wired rules created obstacles between us?

How many times have these snapshots been held up as a representation of us?

Be careful of the hard-wired rule trap.

You have changed, and so have the people around you.

P.S. I am also not always grumpy because I am hungry or when I wake from a nap, sometimes I am just grumpy.

New Patterns, New Memories

Posted on by Carl Weber

Getting together with people, especially with those who are close, is not always easy.

Logistics. What time, where, who, and what?

Dynamics. The past, the incident, that time, and those words.

Expectations. The food, the venue, the relationships, and the activities.

Patterns. When to eat, what to do, and how you interact.

Memories. Good, bad, stressful, and past.

These various categories cause an interesting dynamic when trying to connect with others. When these categories are associated with past stressful get-togethers, the days before you see these people again can be filled with stress and pressure.

This stress and pressure can hijack the present event by overwhelming you before you even arrive.

But, what if you could shift the pattern?

What if you tried a new approach?

I am lucky to be part of a group that is experimenting with a new pattern. 

Instead of crashing after a meal, we go for a walk (and talk).

Instead of huddling around the TV, we are playing fun and weird games.

Instead of large group discussions, we are making time to connect and catch up individually.

A new pattern is forming.

New memories are replacing the old.

Good Patterns. Good Memories.

It is awkward at first? Oh yeah, but totally worth it.

The Forgiveness Receipt

Posted on by Carl Weber

Forgiveness Receipt

We do something wrong. There is a transaction that needs to occur.

We need to apologize. We need to say we are sorry and ask for forgiveness.

A real apology:

Not a

“I am sorry if I [offended, hurt, misunderstood, overreacted…]

But more of a

“I am sorry for [offending, hurting, misunderstanding, overreacting…]

I read recently that how we respond during this transaction is important. Instead of saying “that is okay” which implies that what occurred was acceptable, the article encouraged people to complete the transaction with “I accept your apology” or if you are able “I forgive you.”

A helpful idea ran through my mind: The Forgiveness Receipt.

The Forgiveness Receipt would be proof of the transaction.

The Forgiveness Receipt could serve two purposes.

Purpose One: A reminder for the person that needed to ask for forgiveness. I recently noticed that I tend to apologize more than once, as if the first one didn’t take. The person I kept apologizing to kindly reminded me that we had already transacted this apology, and I didn’t need to keep revisiting the issue. The issue is gone, and The Forgiveness Receipt would be a great reminder, especially when I am feeling a little insecure.

Purpose Two: A reminder for the person that forgave. I also noticed that I tend to revisit old offenses, long after the transaction. The Forgiveness Receipt would serve to remind me that the I forgave, and can no longer hold that offense against the other person.

Until I can find a receipt book worthy of this task, The Forgiveness Receipt will be more of a mental note. Or maybe this T-Shirt would serve as a better reminder.

Be sure to ask about your receipt.

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