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It was good to hear their voice. We were catching up on a recent phone call. We are related, have known each other for most of our lives, and it has been a while since we talked. Their voice was familiar but different. Time has a tendency to change things.
Lots of topics. Work, life, and struggles. We spoke of our parents. Resolved and unresolved issues. Loss and times of reconciliation and times when we did not or could not reconcile before the end.
“Things got a lot easier for me when I simply saw my parents as people. People who struggle, not on some pedestal.”
Their reframing was helpful. We also spoke about the stories we heard growing up. The stories that shaped us. Some of the stories were supposed to be inspiring. Some of the stories were supposed to provide a warning. Some stories were for fun. Some stories were more serious. There were always stories.
These collective stories were really part of something else.
Mythology.
Mythology is a set of stories or beliefs about a particular person, institution, or situation, especially when exaggerated or fictitious.
Mythology was exactly what we experienced.
Sets of stories and beliefs.
Exaggerated and fictitious accounts.
Mythology that shaped us, our views, our opinions, and our beliefs.
“People do have a tendency to put themselves (and sometimes others) in the best light.”
This new frame helped us both. We see the Mythology clearly and understand some of the motivation behind it. Attempts to teach, to assist, to cover-up, to deal with pain and issues, to inspire hope in dark times.
We all have Mythology.
Our Mythology shaped us, but it may be fictitious.
Our Mythology might have served us, but it may be time to look beyond those stories.
How has your Mythology limited you and created barriers?
How can recognizing this Mythology help you move forward?
For me, simply recognizing Mythology was a great first step in clearing out some of the mental baggage we all carry.
The format of the conversations with clients, friends, and family in the past 22 months changed.
A lot more electronic. A lot less in person. A lot more isolating.
The content of those conversations changed as well.
A lot more struggle. A lot less hope. A lot more isolating.
And something else changed as well.
Perspective.
A lot more emphasis on what is important.
A lot less wasting time on trivial things.
A lot more openness about challenges – internal, relational, and professional.
A lot less pretending that “everything is fine.”
A lot more real.
A lot more open.
A lot more honest.
A lot more wisdom.
One conversation had a nugget of wisdom that I thought I would share. It is profound and open, and inspiring and helped me with perspective. It was during a period of significant struggle.
“No idea what tomorrow has in store. But there is more going well than going badly.”
They laughed when they saw their words on a t-shirt. I had one made for them, and one for me. It was the perspective I needed as well.
Listen closely, there may be some t-shirt worthy wisdom around you as well.
During a recent dinner with a few friends, the conversation turned towards running. They run. I run. We are all runners. Put a few runners in the same room and talking about running is inevitable.
We started to talk about upcoming runs, past runs, and our favorite routes.
We started to discuss weather and water, getting outside and getting older.
We started, and then the focus shifted.
“What’s your pace?”
Instead of talking about nutrition plans.
“What’s your pace?”
Instead of talking about the mental game of running.
“What’s your pace?”
Instead of talking about why we run and what it means to us.
“What’s your pace?”
Instead of talking about good runs, and bad runs, and the entire running journey.
“What’s your pace?”
It was the narrow and continuous focus that caught my attention. They kept asking, and I kept trying to steer the conversation away. I wanted to know so much more about them and their journey. I wanted to share more about running through my 50’s, trying to remain injury free, and the mental game of running.
Maybe I am the outlier, but I had an advantage that helped me notice what was happening.
Over the past few months, I have been both participating in, and coaching a Mental Fitness program. This program raised my awareness of my own tendency towards an overuse of achievement. This “hyper-achiever” inside me creates a cycle of constant performance and achievement for self-respect and self-validation with a focus on external success.
The conversation’s focus on pace, was triggering this “hyper-achiever” inside me. Combined with my internal narrator (or Judge) who judges myself and others (especially through comparison) wanted to share my pace and talk about my faster runs.
But comparison and competition is not what I want in conversations.
That goes for all conversations, not just the running ones.
What is the alternative?
Recognizing this pattern is the first step. The next step is learning to shift away from these default approaches, and establishing being curious as a practice. This curiosity helps you ask better questions and explore with the other person.
Instead of “What’s your pace?” try a few of these questions:
What are you struggling with?
What have you learned after all these years?
What has been your greatest success?
When do you feel at your best?
How can I help/support you on this journey?
Magic Bonus Question: The AWE question – And what else?
These questions apply to all of our conversations. Being curious and exploring brings us closer instead of creating competition that drives us apart.
For me, pace doesn’t matter, exploring and getting to really know other people brings the real magic.
Interested in improving your Mental Fitness? I have a few spaces remaining for the next group program. Contact me for details.
Carl Weber Consulting 