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The format of the conversations with clients, friends, and family in the past 22 months changed.
A lot more electronic. A lot less in person. A lot more isolating.
The content of those conversations changed as well.
A lot more struggle. A lot less hope. A lot more isolating.
And something else changed as well.
Perspective.
A lot more emphasis on what is important.
A lot less wasting time on trivial things.
A lot more openness about challenges – internal, relational, and professional.
A lot less pretending that “everything is fine.”
A lot more real.
A lot more open.
A lot more honest.
A lot more wisdom.
One conversation had a nugget of wisdom that I thought I would share. It is profound and open, and inspiring and helped me with perspective. It was during a period of significant struggle.
“No idea what tomorrow has in store. But there is more going well than going badly.”
They laughed when they saw their words on a t-shirt. I had one made for them, and one for me. It was the perspective I needed as well.
Listen closely, there may be some t-shirt worthy wisdom around you as well.
During a recent dinner with a few friends, the conversation turned towards running. They run. I run. We are all runners. Put a few runners in the same room and talking about running is inevitable.
We started to talk about upcoming runs, past runs, and our favorite routes.
We started to discuss weather and water, getting outside and getting older.
We started, and then the focus shifted.
“What’s your pace?”
Instead of talking about nutrition plans.
“What’s your pace?”
Instead of talking about the mental game of running.
“What’s your pace?”
Instead of talking about why we run and what it means to us.
“What’s your pace?”
Instead of talking about good runs, and bad runs, and the entire running journey.
“What’s your pace?”
It was the narrow and continuous focus that caught my attention. They kept asking, and I kept trying to steer the conversation away. I wanted to know so much more about them and their journey. I wanted to share more about running through my 50’s, trying to remain injury free, and the mental game of running.
Maybe I am the outlier, but I had an advantage that helped me notice what was happening.
Over the past few months, I have been both participating in, and coaching a Mental Fitness program. This program raised my awareness of my own tendency towards an overuse of achievement. This “hyper-achiever” inside me creates a cycle of constant performance and achievement for self-respect and self-validation with a focus on external success.
The conversation’s focus on pace, was triggering this “hyper-achiever” inside me. Combined with my internal narrator (or Judge) who judges myself and others (especially through comparison) wanted to share my pace and talk about my faster runs.
But comparison and competition is not what I want in conversations.
That goes for all conversations, not just the running ones.
What is the alternative?
Recognizing this pattern is the first step. The next step is learning to shift away from these default approaches, and establishing being curious as a practice. This curiosity helps you ask better questions and explore with the other person.
Instead of “What’s your pace?” try a few of these questions:
What are you struggling with?
What have you learned after all these years?
What has been your greatest success?
When do you feel at your best?
How can I help/support you on this journey?
Magic Bonus Question: The AWE question – And what else?
These questions apply to all of our conversations. Being curious and exploring brings us closer instead of creating competition that drives us apart.
For me, pace doesn’t matter, exploring and getting to really know other people brings the real magic.
Interested in improving your Mental Fitness? I have a few spaces remaining for the next group program. Contact me for details.
They pulled me aside during the break. We were just talking about giving feedback and showing appreciation to others. They stayed at their table while everyone else got up for the break and snacks.
“Can I share something with you?”
I came in a little closer, my mind racing to replay the last few minutes to see if I said anything weird.
“You talked about providing sincere feedback and appreciation. Making sure that it is not a superficial ‘drive-by’. I just realized that I was taught to do this in college, and have been providing this my whole career.”
They studied physical education. They were taught a method of feedback. It was intended to help young children with basic early skills.
In order to pass this class, they were timed and had to provide 5 quick positive feedbacks, before they could provide 1 redirecting ones. They were filmed and each positive had to be different but quick.
Great job.
Nice job.
Awesome job.
Way to go.
Yay.
You could do this better.
They didn’t realize it but had been following this method for more than 20 years.
They saw that their feedback was systematic not sincere.
They realized that this scattering of seemingly shallow praise was not hitting the target.
They were well intentioned, but needed to change.
They didn’t even realize the pattern they formed.
What feedback patterns are you caught in?
How has systematic replaced sincerity?
Over the next few posts we will tackle a few ways to provide feedback and appreciation.
The Culture of an organization is important. Culture orients us to the organization, its purpose and goals. But Culture is not just what an organization says, Culture is what it does both internally and externally.
How does the organization treat its customers, even the difficult ones?
How does the organization treat its employees, and not just those at the top of the ladder?
Performance is important.
Making the numbers. Bringing in revenue. Achieving goals.
Performance keeps us in business.
Employees are important.
Employees do the work. Employees make the calls. Employees interact with the customer.
Actively managing Culture, Performance, and Employees and keeping these three in balance may be the most important responsibility of a leader.
But some leaders forget all three.
Some leaders only remember one.
Some leaders focus solely on Performance.
Performance alone creates a different Culture.
Performance alone can treat Employees like numbers.
Performance alone can turn the Culture against Employees.
Performance alone blames Employees (for the Culture and lack of Performance).
Performance alone can lead to Employees leaving for a better Culture.
Great leaders realize Employees matter.
Great leaders realize Performance matters.
Great leaders realize that Culture can take care of the other two.
Great leaders strive for Culture that rewards and values Employees that can lead to greater Performance.
(Caerlaverock Castle in Scotland courtesy of Wikipedia)
On the call the other day, I was connecting and checking in with someone important to me. They were describing an old relationship that did not end well. They had been hurt. Words were exchanged. The relationship, although important, had essentially ended.
Because of some recent circumstances, they needed to connect with this other person. Connecting after a falling out is never easy. They were wrestling with how to proceed, and the feelings associated with the time that had passed.
As we talked, I explained that sometimes we need to create Moats. Moats are protections for our core relationships. We keep those inside safe, and others are kept at a healthy Distance.
Distance is the natural by-product of a Moat. Those relationships can be good, but they have limits. Those relationships may be “not so good” but the Distance helps you keep your emotions and expectations in perspective.
Those inside are kept healthy and safe (including you).
When discussing how to move forward, we realized that Moats need Drawbridges.
Drawbridges allow us to let people in when needed. Drawbridges allow us to connect with the greater world by making a decision to lower the bridge.
The Moat still exists, but the connection can be made. When the time has passed, the Drawbridge can be raised again, when and if needed.
We all have Moats. The logical by-product of these Moats are Distance.
Carl Weber Consulting 