Amy Cuddy on Ted.com speaks about how our body language can shape who we are, and ultimately our success. Why not give it a try? Raise those arms high. Who knows, eventually you may become what you have been hoping for all along.
Tag: Your Style
We Just Need a Strong Leader
Working with teams is great. But, I have noticed a pattern. When there is difficulty, conflict or lack of communication an interesting pattern emerges during the various sessions. What I hear during these sessions is consistent.
Sometimes these statements are a muttering in the back of the room, other times they are directly proclaimed for the group.
“We just need a strong leader.”
“If the [insert bosses title here] did more of [whatever topic we are discussing] we wouldn’t be in this mess.”
My personal favorite – “This is all well and good, but when will our leader apply some of these principles?”
In most cases I am there because the leader has identified the issue and wants to inspire collective solutions and buy in from the group. Admittedly these leaders have not always lead deliberately, but the demands of their time and energy has increased, and they assumed that these teams would self-manage or self-lead through the routine of the day.
Then something interesting occurs. The leader begins to lead, and in a strong and deliberate way. The leader provides clear direction, communicates a larger vision, and begins to hold everyone accountable for results. This newfound accountability eventually finds its way to those vocal critical few. According to their earlier statements, what follows would logically be a happy embrace of this new leadership model. Tragically, it doesn’t.
“Who does [insert leader’s name here] think they are messing with the way we have done things?”
“Can you believe that they want us to report on our activities, why don’t they just leave us alone like before?”
“Why do they keep making us go to meetings? Why are they in our space so often? Why are they asking so many questions?”
As the leader becomes stronger and tackles the various issues they find that the people who so clearly demanded strong leadership, are the ones who fight the hardest against it when it arrives. Often, those vocal few are no longer there in a few years because when they said “We Just Need a Strong Leader” what they really meant was “I need someone to complain about to deflect attention from my own lack of personal leadership.”
Maybe that vocal person was right. The organization did need stronger leadership, but you should be careful what you wish for…you just might get it.
Theory, Paper and Real Life
Sadly, a lot of times I am better in theory or on paper than I am in real life. I have certain beliefs about the way the world or people should be, how they can better connect with and work with each other and I think, write and even periodically teach these concepts. Applying these concepts to my own life has proven to be a challenge. I will give you a few examples.
Preparing to teach on emotional intelligence and becoming stressed about it and losing my cool with the kids about their homework.
Writing a blog about communicating while getting into an argument with those around me.
Teaching on coaching in the workplace while canceling my coaching session with one of my employees.
My ability to offer great advice to others while failing to take that exact same advice for my own present situation is remarkable (unfortunately).
I heard a very important idea from Jack Enter, a speaker and author. During a session on failing as a leader, he warned us that believing in something and putting it into practice are two separate things. He warns us to be careful about being satisfied with our beliefs while never executing on the actions necessary to do the steps needed to be the people and leaders we need to be.
Our (or at least my) ability to allow this disconnect between theory, who we are on paper, and real life is amazing. The ability to have two seemingly contrary positions without noticing it has become more apparent to me, especially when I fail.
Jack recommends disciplining ourselves to implement these concepts, while being accountable to others so we actually do these things. How to you make sure your theories or who you are on paper makes it into your real life?
For me, the morning phone call helps because it provides a space to be honest about where I didn’t measure up, and be accountable to others to make changes that bring my life more in line with these theories I believe.
Fear
Fear. Fear is all around us. Fear can drive a lot of what we do (or not do) in life. Typically we avoid those things that cause us fear, but every now and then we press into our fears and try to overcome them.
Earlier this summer we decided to press into some of that fear together with our older girls by taking them to a ropes course. The day started with learning to put on the harness and various safety tips. After a short climb through the practice course, we were on our way.
The course is designed in a way that each challenge builds in difficulty as you progress up the levels to the top. At the top you are rewarded with long zip-lines that travel into the tree canopy. The challenges can build self-confidence once achieved, but can create fear as they become more and more difficult and are higher and higher in the air.
One daughter was able to embrace the fear and move from challenge to challenge. Any observer would be able to tell she was afraid, but she kept her narrator in check with a long string of positive self-talk.
“I can do this.”
“I have been working out a lot this summer, and I think it helps.”
“I think I look cute in this helmet.”
Our other daughter wrestled with the fear. After a few levels, the intensity became overwhelming and her narrator started to creep in with self-doubt.
“I can’t do this.”
“I want to get down.”
“Let’s go home.”
We subscribe to the “Challenge by Choice” approach, which means that there is no pressure to continue and each person can make the choice to continue or not. We do encourage each other to stretch and challenge ourselves but do not apply pressure or guilt if someone needs to stop.
We regrouped a little and talked things out. As we talked we discovered that she really wanted to do was to go down the large zip line and was disappointed that there was no way to get there except through the challenges. Everyone in our group spoke encouragement and life into her. They reminded her how much she had accomplished already and we would all work together to get her to that zip line, if she wanted to.
“I will try.”
Our little tribe began to work together and communicate in a way that had not happened earlier that day. Everyone was listening, helping to plan, and deciding who would travel to which challenge to either demonstrate how to accomplish it, or be available to help. Amazing words of encouragement traveled between all of us.
For the first few challenges, our daughter closed her eyes and grabbed onto my harness and rode to the other side. Tears were streaming down her face as we moved from one challenge to the next. (The first time we did this, I almost fell backwards and fear crept into my head and I hoped I could continue, but knew I had to keep it together.)
When we reached the top tower, there were just a few challenges left to reach the zip line. The first was a rope and wooden bridge that we dubbed the “pirate bridge.” It was at this challenge that our daughter shifted. Confidence had replaced most of the earlier fear and the journey was almost over. She stood at the edge of the tower and clipped her harness to the guide wire first.
“I think I can do this one myself.”
And she did.
Isn’t that the way life should be? By facing our fears together we can help each other combat that narrator that tries to tell us that we cannot succeed and perhaps fear can play a smaller role in our lives.
They
At times, our busy schedules, full plates, and drive to get things done can become excuses or justification for our lack of intentional communication. Over time, how we communicate with others is more of a habit and we give it little thought or consideration.
The other day, while working with a group I heard some interesting dialogue.
“If they would just understand what needs to be done here without complaining, it would be just fine.”
“They always micromanage us and do not understand how much we have to accomplish.”
“They are just difficult and this is not a democracy, they need to do their jobs.”
“They never listen.”
“They.” In each case, both groups were placing blame onto the other. Over and over during the session I heard this term “they.” It would be comical if it wasn’t sad. There was no “I” or “We.” Replacing “They” with these terms reveals part of the problem. It is much easier to describe how others need to change, or what they do wrong, versus taking ownership of what I or We do not do well.
When you find yourself blaming “They” perhaps it is time to check out that mirror on the wall. Imagine the progress any team, relationship, or workplace could make by taking ownership for their own actions first.
How Cloudy is Your Glass?
Understanding your own emotional state is essential to your development and progress as a leader, a co-worker, or a person. More and more the importance of emotional intelligence is identified as the difference between good/marginal leaders and great leaders. Daniel Goleman who wrote Emotional Intelligence in 1995 (and many other books) is the leading voice on these matters. He states that “90% of the difference between star performers and average performers in senior leadership is Emotional Intelligence.”
Emotional Intelligence is the ability to identify, assess, and control the emotions of oneself, of others, and of groups. The first step is to identify or become more aware of your own emotional state. To help identify your own emotional state, I like to use the glass example. A clear glass represents you in your emotional state where you are healthy, in control, and emotionally neutral.
However, life happens. When negative events occur, they begin to cloud your glass. The person who cut you off in traffic. The missed appointment. The argument with a significant other. A tragic life event…and the list goes on. Any of these can cloud your glass. Becoming aware of your glass and its current state is a great way to both identify what clouds your glass, and how cloudy you may be on a given day.
Your ability to move from the cloudy glass back to clear is one of the most important skills. For some, this process may take hours or even days until the impact of the negative experience clears and they return to neutral. Identifying your glass in the first place is a great way to separate yourself a little from the circumstances at hand. Once you recognize that your glass is getting a little cloudy, it becomes easier over time to recognize what triggers you. Knowing your triggers can help you clear your emotional state more rapidly over time with practice.
I posted this picture on the door to my office and regularly ask those who come in the status of their glass. I also let them know on certain days that my glass is a little cloudy and I may need a little space.
The great news with Emotional Intelligence is the fact that we can all become better with practice and experience. I posted about an online game called SuperBetter that has some ways to help with managing your emotional state, feel free to check it out. Another interesting thing about emotions is that they are contagious (for good or bad). This means we can play a role in helping each other when our glasses are cloudy.
My glass is a little cloudy today, but knowing that helps me manage my interaction with anyone who I encounter today. Knowing the state of my glass requires me to slow the world down a little (especially with my kids today) and not react when something does not go as planned. As I watch them, they key off my emotional state. The better I manage my own glass, the better they manage theirs as well. The last thing they need is for me to pour my glass all over them.
Right Now: how cloudy is your glass? What causes your glass to become cloudy? Are there things that are making your interactions with others more challenging because of what you are carrying with you. Take a few moments each day to think about your emotional state. The very act of taking an emotional inventory helps you become more aware that awareness can lead to better management of your emotional state.
Carl Weber Consulting 