Tag: friends

Relational atrophy

Posted on by Carl Weber

It’s been a while.

When the world shut down, so did my relationships.

I fell out of practice.

Survival, stress, and a focus on tasks and solving problems took the main stage.

I got rusty.

New habits formed: isolating habits that didn’t include the same connection as before.

It was a long, but subtle shift.

From less, to more, to loss.

Less phone calls, less fun, less light-hearted conversations.

Less time WITH others.

Less time FOR others.

Less.

When there is less, something will fill that void.

More negativity, more urgency, more stress, more vigilance, more protection mode, more burn-out.

The results were loss.

Loss of connection.

Loss of friends.

Loss of time.

Loss.

The best way to describe where I am today is a state of Relational Atrophy.

Weaker, out of practice, easily tired, and doing simple things are much harder.

Understanding and acknowledging this Relational Atrophy helps.

Finding a way forward is next.

Similar to exercise, this process won’t happen overnight.

It might take some time for these muscles to remember.

Small steps.

Apologies.

Invites to get coffee.

Invites to connect.

Invites to get gelato.

Phone calls.

Texts.

Scheduling time for others.

Scheduling time WITH others.

Time.

Those relational muscles will return.

New habits will form.

Take a moment to think about how these past few years impacted you and your relationships.

How has Relationship Atrophy impacted you?

Where have you fallen out of practice with others?

How can you take one step today to flex those relationship muscles?

The good news is we might not be alone, and we can try moving forward together.

One more idea – schedule time under the tree. Let me know, I will make the coffee.

Thought of

Posted on by Carl Weber

It was a simple text exchange. I was sending a music video and typed those words.

Watched this today and thought of you.

Thought of. Those words stayed with me after the exchange.

Thought of. I began to think of times when others – the important ones – occupy my thoughts.

Thought of. I was reminded of all the times I crossed others’ minds.

Thought of. A fundamental need.

Thought of. Takes many forms.

Thought of. A quick text.

Thought of. A handwritten note.

Thought of. A gift.

Thought of. A call.

Thought of. Taking action when they come to mind.

Thought of. Let’s put this into practice today.

Thought of. Find that one, or two or more and take action.

Thought of. They need to know.

I thought of you when I wrote this.

Putting Your Friends Out

Posted on by Carl Weber

We live near an airport.

When our friends fly, our home transforms into a park-and-ride.

When our friends fly, our home can also transform into a bed-and-breakfast.

We offer this service.

We are trying to be good friends, not bad friends.

Some participate.

Some don’t.

We hear similar reasons from our friends who don’t.

“We don’t want to be a burden.”

“We don’t want to inconvenience you.”

“We don’t want to put you out.”

Putting your friends out.

The intention is noble.

But helping is not Putting Your Friends Out.

(Unless you are that one friend with a pickup truck and everyone expects you to help move, then we are totally tracking with you.)

Is it a little inconvenient to drive to the airport at weird, early, or late hours? Yep.

It it always the best time? Nope.

Then why do friends offer to help?

Because everyone’s lives are so busy, sometimes the only time we get to connect and see folks are on those small drives to and from the airport.

Connecting with those around us that we care about is hard.

Find the small moments to connect.

The trip to the airport.

The errands.

The grocery store.

Waiting in some line.

Dropping off their car for an oil change/repairs.

The ride to and from [soccer, dance, hockey, or whatever] lessons.

Remember you are not Putting Your Friends Out.

Maybe they are just trying to connect.

Some of my fondest memories are small moments doing the most routine things with my closest friends.

 

Conversations and How to Have Them

Posted on by Carl Weber

Together we discussed friendship, which was one of my favorite experiences. But recently I have noticed that friendship (or relationships in general) are built and fueled by conversations.

Over the past few months I have been observing conversations.

But conversations are weird.

Some are like duels.

Some are like speeches.

Some are veiled.

Some are superficial.

Only a few are deep and memorable.

I recently shared some of these conversation observations with a class. Not just any class, but the last class of the year. This particular class has become a yearly tradition and it isn’t lost on me that the final chapter of the year (right before the Holiday Season) is a class on Emotional Intelligence.

Before I shared, I asked.

“What does it take to have a good conversation?”

The answers came.

“Listening. Letting other people speak. Making eye contact. Not being distracted. Not looking at your phone. Asking questions.”

Great answers. Great advice.

It was the last one that really resonated with me. It is what I have been observing.

Asking questions.

You need all of the first things, but it is the last part that may make the real difference.

Asking questions.

Demonstrates that you are interested in others and not just about yourself. (I have a friend who has made extreme strides in this area, and jokes about how they used to be as a reminder. During a conversation they will jump in with “Enough about me, now I want to hear what you think about me.”

Asking questions.

Questions help you to learn about others.

My assignment to this class was to spend the Holiday Season practicing having conversations. This practice starts with asking questions. It may be helpful to try out a few of these questions over your Holiday Season as well.

  1. How are you? (And listen to the reply. Wait for a reply beyond “I’m good” or “Fine” and maybe ask a second time. Really, how are you?
  2. What is going well?
  3. What are you most excited for in 2017?
  4. What are three things that you would most like to accomplish in the next year?
  5. What is the last book you read?
  6. How are you balancing your multiple roles?
  7. Can you tell me a little more about what you do? What most excites you about what you do?

And the list goes on.

Be careful about asking a question, then jumping in with your own answers to each of these questions. Remember my friend’s quote, this is about them, not you.

Asking questions.

Go try it out and let us know how it goes.

P.S. Sometimes conversations drift towards things that are not as important (Politics, Sports, the Weather) and I have a fun trigger phrase with a few friends when we drift off. Whenever one of us dwells too much on the latest game stats or news story, one of us remembers to say, “Are you Sad?” (Because we must be avoiding real conversation out of sadness…) We all chuckle and get back to focusing on things that matter most.

Elliptical Orbits

Posted on by Carl Weber

solar-system-orbit

(Image Courtesy of wiseGEEK)

Apparently I have a lot in common with early astronomers. Both Copernicus and Galileo thought that planets traveled in perfectly round orbits, because the circle was an “ideal shape.” Circular orbits made sense, something is moving around something else, and a circle is a pretty good choice and seems right. Especially if you have an “ideal shape” or expectation in your mind in the first place.

With all the recent friend research we did together, friends and relationships continue to be present in my mind. I found myself using the term “orbit” a lot with friends.

“Hey, I want you back in my orbit.”

“You seem to be drifting out of my orbit.”

“Why can’t we stay in orbit?”

But there is a law of motion in the universe. Johannes Kepler noticed that the “ideal shape” didn’t explain everything. Instead, he discovered something else.

The orbit of a planet follows an ellipse with the sun at one focus. He discovered that the motion and travel was not an “ideal shape” but instead an almost flattened version of the ideal.

This means that at any given time, planets will be further away from the sun, and other times they will be closer, but still in orbit.

When it comes to friends, I fell into the same “ideal shape” trap. Since I assumed that being in orbit with a friend was a perfect circle, any perceived distance was interpreted as getting out of orbit.

But maybe, Kepler’s First Law of Motion can apply here too.

Let’s call it Carl’s First Law of Friendship:

“The orbit of a friend follows AN ELLIPSE with YOU at one focus.”

Realizing that a friendship may follow an Elliptical Orbit helped explain why friends are not always constant or “perfect.” Sometimes they are closer, sometimes they are further away, but that is how orbits work.

Want to know more? Check out this great video on Elliptical Orbits. And just like the astronomers, we will keep trying to understand this whole weird and wonderous universe of friends, and friendships.

 

A Little Friendly Research (My Turn)

Posted on by Carl Weber

I asked you a series of questions, and your answers appeared in the last 7 posts. Your answers were vulnerable, honest, funny, serious, and clever. Your answers inspired questions, discussions, and honest conversations about friends, and friendships. Your answers inspired some actions, as friends connected, reached out, answered phone calls, and actions became a little more deliberate and focused.

I wondered about how to end this series, and a few of you suggested that I weigh in on those same 9 questions.

So, it is my turn.

Question 1: What are the best attributes of your good friends?

They are intentional. They reach out. They call me, text me, and email me. They initiate as well as respond. They seem to have this internal counter that knows when too many moments, hours, days, or weeks have passed and the alarm goes off and they remember to connect.

Question 2: Do you think friendship is hard? Why or why not?

Friendship seemed easier in elementary school when you walked with the same person every day to school, then goofed around every weekend together on little adventures in the woods and on the pond. Friendship seemed easier when you were on a ship and saw them everyday for 6 months, and ate, slept, and worked together. Friendship seemed easier in college when you were in that crappy little apartment waiting for your paychecks so you could actually buy meat at the store.

Friendship seemed to get harder in the next stage of life. New jobs, new cities, new neighborhoods, new kids, and new distances between all of them.

Friendship is getting easier and harder at the same time in this current stage. My expectations have grown as the years have passed. What satisfied this need to connect years ago, doesn’t seem like enough. I have more time for friends then a decade ago, but some of them don’t have the same time available to me. The number of friends “goal” has been replaced with a depth of friendship “goal” which I recently realize is a much harder prize to attain.

Question 3: What do you expect from a friend?

Balance and equity in the long-run. I may need something from them for a season, but I want to find a season to give back as well. They shouldn’t be the only one to initiate connection, I want to call them, text them, email them, or reach out as well. I need that same little internal counter in my head that reminds me that too much time, distance, or life has gone by and I need to take action.

This question caused me to wrestle the most. I fear my expectations may be causing interference with some friends because my expectations may be higher, and unspoken.

There is tension expectation. How do we learn to give freely, and not be taken advantage of? When do you give? When do you need? How do you measure balance and equity?

No great answers, yet the wrestling seems like a good thing for me to work on.

Question 4: How much time in a given week do you think about your friendships?

A LOT! Until I read your responses, I thought I was a bit of an outlier (well I may still be). There was comfort to know that I am not the only one who thinks about this pretty often.

My mind wanders towards friends and friendship throughout my entire day. The morning computer/writing time, the commute, at random times each day, lunchtime, afternoon coffee, closing time, the other commute, dinnertime, vegging out time, before I sleep (you get the idea).

Bottom line, if you are my friend, I think about you a lot.

Question 5: What are your best attributes as a friend?

I care about you. I think about you. I connect with you. I am here when you need something (yes that has included the occasional furniture moving). I invest in you. I want you to succeed. I have hope for you. I find time for you. I love you.

Question 6: If you could say one thing to your friends that would help explain what you need from them, what would you say?

Be real. Be present. Be available. Be my friend.

Question 7: How many close friends would you say you have?

Nine.

Question 8: Anything else you would like to share?

Yes. This process, this journey has helped me understand friends and friendship in a new way. Your responses have helped shape me and I don’t want this journey to end.

Earlier this week I was teaching a class and we talked about leadership. One participant mentioned that leadership has an expiration date. In other words, if you are not exercising those skills, they expire, go bad, and become rotten.

I think this applies to friendships as well.

Question 9: In 10 words or less, what advice would you give the World about friendships?

Intention. Balance. Mindful. Time. Hope. Connect. Remember. Savor. Initiate. Love.