Elliptical Orbits

solar-system-orbit

(Image Courtesy of wiseGEEK)

Apparently I have a lot in common with early astronomers. Both Copernicus and Galileo thought that planets traveled in perfectly round orbits, because the circle was an “ideal shape.” Circular orbits made sense, something is moving around something else, and a circle is a pretty good choice and seems right. Especially if you have an “ideal shape” or expectation in your mind in the first place.

With all the recent friend research we did together, friends and relationships continue to be present in my mind. I found myself using the term “orbit” a lot with friends.

“Hey, I want you back in my orbit.”

“You seem to be drifting out of my orbit.”

“Why can’t we stay in orbit?”

But there is a law of motion in the universe. Johannes Kepler noticed that the “ideal shape” didn’t explain everything. Instead, he discovered something else.

The orbit of a planet follows an ellipse with the sun at one focus. He discovered that the motion and travel was not an “ideal shape” but instead an almost flattened version of the ideal.

This means that at any given time, planets will be further away from the sun, and other times they will be closer, but still in orbit.

When it comes to friends, I fell into the same “ideal shape” trap. Since I assumed that being in orbit with a friend was a perfect circle, any perceived distance was interpreted as getting out of orbit.

But maybe, Kepler’s First Law of Motion can apply here too.

Let’s call it Carl’s First Law of Friendship:

“The orbit of a friend follows AN ELLIPSE with YOU at one focus.”

Realizing that a friendship may follow an Elliptical Orbit helped explain why friends are not always constant or “perfect.” Sometimes they are closer, sometimes they are further away, but that is how orbits work.

Want to know more? Check out this great video on Elliptical Orbits. And just like the astronomers, we will keep trying to understand this whole weird and wonderous universe of friends, and friendships.

 

A Little Friendly Research (My Turn)

I asked you a series of questions, and your answers appeared in the last 7 posts. Your answers were vulnerable, honest, funny, serious, and clever. Your answers inspired questions, discussions, and honest conversations about friends, and friendships. Your answers inspired some actions, as friends connected, reached out, answered phone calls, and actions became a little more deliberate and focused.

I wondered about how to end this series, and a few of you suggested that I weigh in on those same 9 questions.

So, it is my turn.

Question 1: What are the best attributes of your good friends?

They are intentional. They reach out. They call me, text me, and email me. They initiate as well as respond. They seem to have this internal counter that knows when too many moments, hours, days, or weeks have passed and the alarm goes off and they remember to connect.

Question 2: Do you think friendship is hard? Why or why not?

Friendship seemed easier in elementary school when you walked with the same person every day to school, then goofed around every weekend together on little adventures in the woods and on the pond. Friendship seemed easier when you were on a ship and saw them everyday for 6 months, and ate, slept, and worked together. Friendship seemed easier in college when you were in that crappy little apartment waiting for your paychecks so you could actually buy meat at the store.

Friendship seemed to get harder in the next stage of life. New jobs, new cities, new neighborhoods, new kids, and new distances between all of them.

Friendship is getting easier and harder at the same time in this current stage. My expectations have grown as the years have passed. What satisfied this need to connect years ago, doesn’t seem like enough. I have more time for friends then a decade ago, but some of them don’t have the same time available to me. The number of friends “goal” has been replaced with a depth of friendship “goal” which I recently realize is a much harder prize to attain.

Question 3: What do you expect from a friend?

Balance and equity in the long-run. I may need something from them for a season, but I want to find a season to give back as well. They shouldn’t be the only one to initiate connection, I want to call them, text them, email them, or reach out as well. I need that same little internal counter in my head that reminds me that too much time, distance, or life has gone by and I need to take action.

This question caused me to wrestle the most. I fear my expectations may be causing interference with some friends because my expectations may be higher, and unspoken.

There is tension expectation. How do we learn to give freely, and not be taken advantage of? When do you give? When do you need? How do you measure balance and equity?

No great answers, yet the wrestling seems like a good thing for me to work on.

Question 4: How much time in a given week do you think about your friendships?

A LOT! Until I read your responses, I thought I was a bit of an outlier (well I may still be). There was comfort to know that I am not the only one who thinks about this pretty often.

My mind wanders towards friends and friendship throughout my entire day. The morning computer/writing time, the commute, at random times each day, lunchtime, afternoon coffee, closing time, the other commute, dinnertime, vegging out time, before I sleep (you get the idea).

Bottom line, if you are my friend, I think about you a lot.

Question 5: What are your best attributes as a friend?

I care about you. I think about you. I connect with you. I am here when you need something (yes that has included the occasional furniture moving). I invest in you. I want you to succeed. I have hope for you. I find time for you. I love you.

Question 6: If you could say one thing to your friends that would help explain what you need from them, what would you say?

Be real. Be present. Be available. Be my friend.

Question 7: How many close friends would you say you have?

Nine.

Question 8: Anything else you would like to share?

Yes. This process, this journey has helped me understand friends and friendship in a new way. Your responses have helped shape me and I don’t want this journey to end.

Earlier this week I was teaching a class and we talked about leadership. One participant mentioned that leadership has an expiration date. In other words, if you are not exercising those skills, they expire, go bad, and become rotten.

I think this applies to friendships as well.

Question 9: In 10 words or less, what advice would you give the World about friendships?

Intention. Balance. Mindful. Time. Hope. Connect. Remember. Savor. Initiate. Love.

 

A Little Friendly Research Part 7 (The Finale)

Part 7. The Finale.

Wondering what this is all about? Start here.

I asked. You answered.

Question 8: Anything else that you would like to share?

[Insert name] is a great friend.

This exercise, especially questions 6 and 7, gave me pause – made me think. Thank you for that.

Yes.

Regardless of the type of relationship you have you get out what you put in.

Friendships are difficult. time and distance have a way of seeing some friendships lose their closeness. Yet many friends, who I don’t see on a regular basis because of distance, etc. can pick up where they left off immediately because the disruption of the friendship wasn’t based on wounds of differences, but just life. Others dissolve because of differences that went unresolved. Those are the hardest. Unresolved conflict is tough.

[insert name] is a great friend and I appreciate [name].

Question 9: In 10 words or less, what advice would you give to the World about friendships?

Treat a friendship like a romantic relationship and vice versa.

Friends are one the greatest gifts you will receive. They… (sorry there was a 10 word limit.)

(Just Kidding) …provide laughter as well as keep you from wandering off in the desert of life.

Be the friend you want to have.

It’s not a contest.

People always come into your life for a reason, enjoy!

Being willing to be vulnerable when you want to retreat because you are hurt or misunderstood, is well worth it. If that friend truly values you and your friendship, he or she will cover that vulnerability with grace. Your friendship can grow stronger in spite of the struggle. Way more than 10 words. Lol.

I’m breaking the rules and combining 8 and 9.

I don’t have any advice, but I will share a wish. When I think about my friendships, it occurs to me that most (if not all) of them are largely based on convenience. It’s convenient because we live near each other, or because we work together, or because we’re in class together, etc. If that convenient variable were removed, I don’t know what would happen to those relationships. Would they make the effort to maintain them? Would I? I know that feeling like a friend-when-convenient is pretty sad; I’ve felt that way, and I’m sure I’ve made others feel that way too. I wonder if this is just the way it is with the friendships we have in adulthood?

If so, my wish is that we could find a way to do better than that. I wish that friendships were a higher priority, despite all of other things competing for our time and energy. I wish we valued them more. I wish that we’d protect them, and fight for them. I wish we’d be more willing to do the work to sustain them, even when it’s not convenient. Especially then.

Ten words: Food and friendship enhance each other.

Thank you again for all of you who answered and shared this post with others. Keep sharing, keep answering, and most of all keep questioning.

What’s next? My turn.