Category: Random Thoughts

Homework, Frustration, and Emotional Intelligence

Posted on by Carl Weber

Homework

While having lunch the other day with a friend, the conversation moved from simply catching up on the details of our lives to deeper places. We started to talk about emotional intelligence and the role it plays in our success.

To provide an example, I shared a story.

A few years ago, while trying to help one of our daughters with her homework, I got upset. The helping, the explanations, and the examples were not gaining traction. In fact, it seemed to make things worse. My emotional glass got cloudy.

I have already admitted to having Emotional Rickets when it comes to emotional intelligence. Of the five hierarchical steps by Daniel Goleman, the first two always help me unpack issues that I may be having.

Step 1, Self-Awareness

Step 2, Self-Regulation

If I am having a problem with Self-Regulation (getting upset), I go back down a Step to Self Awareness and try to figure out what is happening.

What is the negative emotional trigger? What else may be going on inside?

“Why is helping with her homework causing you to get upset?”

“I don’t know, maybe because I want her to succeed.”

“Ok, that is one possibility, but helping her succeed shouldn’t cause you to be angry. What else is happening, what are you afraid of?”

“I am afraid that she won’t do well, that she won’t get into college, that this time was somehow wasted.”

“Keep going.”

“I am afraid that this means that I have not helped or prepared her enough. That her failing is a reflection of me. That I am not a good Dad.”

There it was: the real issue. Fear of failing as a Dad.

I was trying to Self-Regulate an emotional state around homework that was really about something else. By going back a step, by finding greater Self-Awareness, the Self-Regulation becomes easier.

It was never about the homework. In fact, the inability to Self-Regulate was actually contributing to that fear becoming a reality.

Thankfully, she still lets me help with homework. (After some serious apologizing and a few tears.) Those feelings or fears still exist, but the ability to regulate the emotions in the moment have become much easier.

The next time you find yourself getting upset about homework or having trouble with Self-Regulation when [insert your specific story here] try this simple process.

Take a step back, ask yourself the hard questions.

What is really happening? What are you afraid of?

Why Customer Service Training?

Posted on by Carl Weber

Customer service training can be an interesting adventure. Some people are excited. Other people are bored, or have a negative reaction. Some of the reactions depend on how the training was announced or conveyed.

My favorite reactions came after the training was announced via email.

Mandatory Customer Service Training: No Excuses 

Below is a clip of some recent reactions.

What would the reactions be in your organization? Have you created a culture of customer service or do you train as punishment when things are not going well?

Why Customer Service Training?

Because just like any other skill, you need practice to improve.

 

 

Decisions versus Feelings

Posted on by Carl Weber

Whether running or life in general, I have noticed a pattern. Feelings can interfere with our decisions. 

Feelings can disrupt us.

Feelings often provide the much desired excuse to stop moving forward.

Recently I have just been observing how often I hear myself or others verbalizing how feelings have the veto power over our decisions.

Here is what I found: we say these things all the time.

“I am not sure if I will feel like running later.”

“I will let you know how I feel before I decide.”

“I don’t know if I feel up to doing 6 miles today.”

“Let’s see how we feel before we say yes.”

Who gave feelings this power over us? Who said feelings are ahead of everyone else in the line of importance? I understand that feelings are part of the mix, but when did feelings take the chair at the end of the table? The corner office? When did feelings start running the show?

After noticing this pattern during a recent conversation, I couldn’t help but bring it up.

“I heard you say multiple times that this decision is dependent on how you feel. What is preventing you from making the decision now?”

“Multiple times? Really?”

“Yup.” (I know, I know, great follow-up.)

“Well, I guess it is really fear. Fear of not being able to do it. Fear of not being successful after I put myself out there.”

Fear.

One of the most disruptive of feelings. Fear seems to be elbowing its way to the front of the feelings line.

There is a little secret to put feelings in their place.

Decisions.

Decisions to go for that run ahead of time.

Decisions to take on the project.

Decisions to take a risk.

Decisions to push yourself.

I heard a great quote about feelings:

“Feel what you feel. But do not trust them as objective reality.”

When feelings start elbowing their way to the front of the line, try making a few decisions to put them back where they belong.

P.S. Our little running team made the decision to run the other day when it was below 20 degrees and dropping almost a degree every 15 minutes.

Moving Forward

Posted on by Carl Weber

 

Moving-Forward

(Image Courtesy of capreform.eu)

The other day I had the privilege of going for a run with my youngest brother and my youngest daughter. We don’t see him very often because we live so far away, and running gave us time to connect just the three of us.

We ran. We laughed. We joked. We connected.

The conversation moved to something that we had just passed by.

It was then my daughter provided a bit of wisdom.

“It is hard to look backwards when you are moving forward.”

A simple statement.

A profound idea.

Sometimes the past isn’t satisfied with not being the star of the show.

Our lives are in the second or third act, but that first act keeps walking back on stage, interrupting and inserting itself into the present.

She was right. 

It is hard to look backwards when you are moving forward.

Just think about what 2015 might be if we keep that in mind.

 

 

 

 

A Little Further?

Posted on by Carl Weber

Screen Shot 2014-12-22 at 6.44.17 AM

(Image courtesy of Google Maps and Screen Capture)

A planned team run.

A simple goal. 10 miles. A longer run.

The long route concludes on our regular course.

The roads we run on each week.

A Little Further?

Three simple words.

Three simple words posed as a question.

Three simple words posed as a question to push yourself.

Three simple words posed as a question to push yourself and stretch your goals.

A choice.

Go straight and meet the goal.

Go left and stretch.

A Little Further?

Yes.

Tired.

Comfort running on familiar roads. Knowing every little crack, sidewalk, and turn.

New equation: 10 + 3 (words) = 12.

Imagine what those three words could do for us.

Imagine pushing a little more with your job, life, relationships, family, clients, customers, partners, friends, and goals.

A Little Further?

Yes.

 

 

 

 

Parachuting In

Posted on by Carl Weber

MARSOC_parachutist

(Image Courtesy of Pinterest)

While getting coffee before a consulting gig, I happened to bump into two leaders from that same organization who were at a table sipping their morning brew. There was a brief pause.

“Hey, are you parachuting in again today?”

“Yes.”

Awkward pause.

“It’s not us right?”

“Nope, you are fine. In fact your departments are doing well.”

“Great. Good luck. We are just glad it is not us.”

Parachuting In: the new term this group jokingly uses when I stop by to help a division or group of folks in the organization understand themselves better, work through conflict, or learn to be a more effective team.

I kind of like it.

Parachuting in means someone is in immediate need of help.

Parachuting in means that you have come to help.

Parachuting in means that your mission or goal may be secret (you are not going to air another department’s issues when questioned).

Parachuting in means that your work is temporary.

Parachuting in means that you are bringing needed assistance, resources, and strategy.

Parachuting in means that it is their department, their operation, and their team.

That simple phrase has stuck with me. Partly because the work has been long-term enough to earn a nick-name.

What will your work’s nick-name be?

Is your art, your craft, your life, your relationships, your consulting, your business creating the right resonance to earn its own phrase or nick-name?

The other part that I remember is how happy they seemed that I was not there to see them.