Tag: workplace dynamics

Unspoken Expectations: Hidden Frustrations

Posted on by Carl Weber

In life, work, home, or family we have expectations of others. Others have expectations of us. Some expectations are shared and we can choose to meet the expectation or not.

Your employer may expect you to show up to work on time. They inform you. You wake up early to meet that expectation. There are consequences for being late, and certain actions will be taken if needed.

Pretty clear expectation with appropriate ramifications.

Not all expectations are as clear.

There are Unspoken Expectations.

Unlike regular expectations, the unspoken version are not clear and you may not know that they exist. Not knowing doesn’t prevent being measured against this standard. In fact, the Unspoken Expectations are typically measured more stringently.

Why do we keep these expectations to ourselves?

Why don’t we tell that employee that we really want them to show initiative and take on a project to call their own?

Why don’t we say we really don’t want to eat out there? Or go visit those people? Or attend that event?

Why don’t we tell our boss that we need more concrete feedback, not a passing “You’re Awesome” as they rush past us in a distracted flurry?

Why don’t we say this his how we need to be treated?

As we measure other people against these expectations, our frustration builds. We are not getting what we think need or want from others, and we keep it hidden.

These Hidden Frustrations pile on each other and create distance and difficulty in our relationships and our organizations.

Something prevents us from speaking out these expectations, and the frustrations grow. These Hidden Frustrations damage our ability to lead, follow, or relate to those around us.

Once we know that we may holding others to Unspoken Expectations, two options appear.

1. If the expectation is that important, we need to move past our fear and have a conversation.

2. If our frustration is being caused by an unrealistic expectation, we may need to let that standard go.

Over the next few days, when you are feeling frustrated with others, take out a sheet of paper. Write down the expectations. Seeing those words and expectations will help determine which option to follow.

I am on YOUR Team!

Posted on by Carl Weber

Your TeamImagine how much simpler life would be if those around you had to wear team shirts. All of us have people who are on our team. All of us have people who are not on our team.

Sometimes we confuse the two, especially during a conflict. Shirts could make it easier to keep track, and not confuse our interactions between these two distinct set of people in our lives.

When we are interacting with people who are not on our team, we have to play defense to protect ourselves.  We also play offense to get ahead or gain the upper hand. Both are designed to “win” against the other person. Over time, our playbook is filled with these strategies.

Unfortunately, our playbook can become our default method for all of our interactions, even our interactions with people close to us…with people who are actually on our team. The team shirt could serve as a reminder.

“Look at my shirt! I am on YOUR Team!”

I need this reminder. It helps me to switch gears and let go of my strategies. When I remember who is on my team, I remember they are here to help.

Everything Requires a Conversation

Posted on by Carl Weber

A few days ago, I sat down with someone who began discussing a few issues that needed to be addressed in their workplace.  All were minor issues, but were getting in the way of getting goals accomplished and creating some minor disruptions or tension throughout their building.

The first issue was described in detail with a question at the end.

“What do you think I need to do about this?”

“It sounds like you need to have a conversation.”

The next issue was described, this time it was about a conflict and how another person’s work-style was causing disruption.

“What do you think I need to do about them?

“It sounds like you need to have a conversation.”

By the time we approached the third issue, it became clear that this was even more complex and involved multiple departments and people.  Again the question came.

“What do you think I need to do about this?”

But before I could answer…

“I know what you are doing to say…EVERYTHING REQUIRES A CONVERSATION!”

I paused, wrote it down on a sticky note and posted it on my computer monitor.  They were right.  Most, if not all of the conflicts and issues at home, in the office, or where you volunteer exist because people are involved.  The only way to make progress is to have a conversation.

I am not saying that these conversations are easy.  I spent a good portion of my time facilitating conversations between individuals and teams that have gone far too long without having the conversations needed to address the issues when they were small.

Take out a piece of paper and make a list of the top three conversations you should be having.  They are not always easy, but for me making a list helps keep me accountable to accomplish the task, especially when it is a difficult one.  And remember, everything requires a conversation.

The Third E

Posted on by Carl Weber

While working with a pretty dynamic group, the discussion touched on what their particular styles brought.  This group is very similar in world view and style, so I asked them a simple question.

“What do you bring as a team?”

“Energy!”

What else?

“Emotion, and a passion for doing the job and doing it well!

“What else?” (There I go again with the “deep” questions.)

The group looked around a little, surveyed each other and for some reason the “E” theme continued.  Finally, the third E emerged.

“Ego.”

There was silence and the word sort of hung there for a minute.  They were right.  All the energy and emotion could be great, but that third E could undo their efforts if they were not careful.  For all the positive aspects, there was a potential blind spot.  Recognizing that Egos were at play shed light on the drawbacks of their styles.

Now all they have to do is leverage the first two, and keep the third in check.  Naming the potential hazard to their success was an important step.  Do you have a third E?  What will you do about the third E once you name it?

How Cloudy is Your Glass?

Posted on by Carl Weber

Understanding your own emotional state is essential to your development and progress as a leader, a co-worker, or a person.  More and more the importance of emotional intelligence is identified as the difference between good/marginal leaders and great leaders.  Daniel Goleman who wrote Emotional Intelligence in 1995 (and many other books) is the leading voice on these matters.  He states that “90% of the difference between star performers and average performers in senior leadership is Emotional Intelligence.”

Emotional Intelligence is the ability to identify, assess, and control the emotions of oneself, of others, and of groups.  The first step is to identify or become more aware of your own emotional state.  To help identify your own emotional state, I like to use the glass example.  A clear glass represents you in your emotional state where you are healthy, in control, and emotionally neutral.

However, life happens.  When negative events occur, they begin to cloud your glass.  The person who cut you off in traffic.  The missed appointment.  The argument with a significant other.  A tragic life event…and the list goes on.  Any of these can cloud your glass.  Becoming aware of your glass and its current state is a great way to both identify what clouds your glass, and how cloudy you may be on a given day.

Your ability to move from the cloudy glass back to clear is one of the most important skills. For some, this process may take hours or even days until the impact of the negative experience clears and they return to neutral.  Identifying your glass in the first place is a great way to separate yourself a little from the circumstances at hand.  Once you recognize that your glass is getting a little cloudy, it becomes easier over time to recognize what triggers you.  Knowing your triggers can help you clear your emotional state more rapidly over time with practice.

I posted this picture on the door to my office and regularly ask those who come in the status of their glass.  I also let them know on certain days that my glass is a little cloudy and I may need a little space.

The great news with Emotional Intelligence is the fact that we can all become better with practice and experience.  I posted about an online game called SuperBetter that has some ways to help with managing your emotional state, feel free to check it out.  Another interesting thing about emotions is that they are contagious (for good or bad).  This means we can play a role in helping each other when our glasses are cloudy.

My glass is a little cloudy today, but knowing that helps me manage my interaction with anyone who I encounter today.  Knowing the state of my glass requires me to slow the world down a little (especially with my kids today) and not react when something does not go as planned.  As I watch them, they key off my emotional state.  The better I manage my own glass, the better they manage theirs as well.  The last thing they need is for me to pour my glass all over them.

Right Now: how cloudy is your glass?  What causes your glass to become cloudy? Are there things that are making your interactions with others more challenging because of what you are carrying with you.  Take a few moments each day to think about your emotional state.  The very act of taking an emotional inventory helps you become more aware that awareness can lead to better management of your emotional state.

How Do You Define Teamwork?

Posted on by Carl Weber

Teamwork.  There is a seemingly endless list of how to define it, thousands of books written about it, and the notion that we should all strive to obtain it.  Teamwork has been rattling around in my head lately, and I was trying to remember a defining moment for any team where I was a member.  Nothing was coming to mind until I met recently with a member of this team for breakfast.

This particular team had been through some rough times together, but also celebrated well during successes.  The defining moment that I remember was during a meeting where we had been instructed to reduce our budget.  It wasn’t just a little reduction, the reduction was large enough that it would cause everyone in the room to take a hit.  I had instructed each of them to bring a list of what was important that needed to remain, and a list of what could be reduced.

One by one, each member of this team shared their list.  The items on the lists were important things that would have a significant impact on each person’s part of the operation, their ability to provide the right level of service.  After all the lists were read, it became quiet.  Part of me expected the real battle to begin, and each person around that table would start lobbying about why their department should be retained, and someone else should take the cut.

It was at this very moment that I witnessed teamwork, and what I heard had and still has an impact on me.

“After listening to the group, their lists seem more important to the overall operation.  I think I can reduce a little more.”

“I can take the hit, let’s make sure that other department has what it needs this year.”

“I don’t know how I am going to explain this to my employees, but I am withdrawing my list of needs, the other lists just seem more pressing.”

One by one, every member of that team saw the overall organization and operation as more important than their particular department, silo, or fiefdom.  Each member of that team knew that the only “win” was ensuring that the organization “won” not whether or not it was a “win” for them individually.

How should we define teamwork?  Maybe the definition is simple.  Teamwork is when everyone that is working together can look beyond themselves, see the larger picture, and “take the hit” for others.