Category: Modifying

The Relationship Reset Button

Posted on by Carl Weber

Reset Button

(Image Courtesy of Acceleraction.com)

So often in relationships, whether at home or work, with family or friends or loved ones, the past can overly shape the present.

You had a disagreement with that person. Now every interaction is awkward.

You lost your cool. Now others walk on eggshells around you.

You used to be fascinated by someone’s uniqueness. Now these issues only seem to cause you frustration.

You overly questioned someone’s work. Now they feel that you don’t trust them.

While working with a small group, we noticed this pattern and discussed how it impacts their ability to work together. The more I reflected, the more I noticed this pattern in my own circles.

The past interactions do not disappear, they build on each other to form a strange and often distorted view of others. I read recently that our memories can deceive us. Our memories exist, but each time we access them again they can change and the newer version of the story replaces the old memory.

I thought about how this can impact our relationships. Perhaps this is why it is so hard not to feel like a little kid around your parents. Maybe this is why people in more close relationships are heard complaining about the other one (many times in front of that person). This may be why it is so hard to rebuild a relationship at work that has gone south.

Those memories keep building and changing in a way that reinforces the negative issues.

What we could use is the Relationship Reset Button. This handy device would be available to any two people or a small group where all parties decide to let go of those past hurts, judgements, or misunderstandings. With a simple press of the button, everything would reset. They would be able to start fresh, start new, and get another chance at their relationship.

Yesterday I worked with this small group again. They pushed the Relationship Reset Button. There was history. There was conflict. There was a past. It wasn’t easy, but they stared over.

They let go, and began to appreciate each other’s differences.

They started to anticipate what the others may need, and started to provide that instead of being frustrated by requests.

They started to see that together they could accomplish so much more.

Along the way, some of the past began to return, but they would get together and remind each other that they had started over. These occasional issues didn’t build a new history, but were seen as lingering shadows that would continue to diminish as their new relationships grew.

Where can you use the Relationship Reset Button? Where has the past overly shaped and distorted some of your best relationships? The new year is about to start, so why not go ahead and press it and see what this year brings?

The Optimism Zone

Posted on by Carl Weber

optimistic2

(Image Courtesy of Real Balance Wellness)

Soccer, youth travel soccer to be specific, now fills most of our days. Practices fill the week. Games fill the weekend.

Each week we are surrounded by increased skills, increased playing ability, and an increased level of teamwork.

Each week something else has also increased: the negativity of the spectators.

Negativity creeps in, when something doesn’t go the right way. At first negativity is hard to notice, and it may begin as disappointment.

The collective “OH NO, TOO BAD” when a goal is missed, turns into “UGH.”

The “GOOD TRY” becomes “WHY DIDN’T YOU MAKE THAT PLAY.”

About a week ago, the negativity became so loud during the game that it made my emotional glass cloudy. For hours after that game, I had the kind of emotional hangover that lasted for more than a few hours.

At the next day’s game, we set up early and made a declaration:

“This area right here (pointing to the imaginary large circle surrounding our folding chairs) is a declared Optimism Zone. If you feel the need to be negative, you need to go someplace else.”

For the first few minutes of the game we had to remind others a few times.

“As a reminder, you are in the Optimism Zone, all statements and comments should reflect that, if not, you should find another area to sit.”

The game, the comments, and our experience improved dramatically. We were returning to positive comments, and encouraging remarks.

The original negativity comes partly from how much these parents, friends, and family care about the players and how much they want them to succeed, and to win.

What began as coaching, became tearing down. What began as cheering, became criticism. Once negativity becomes the dominant way to express emotions, it slowly becomes the only channel.

Our attitudes and emotional state are contagious.

Perhaps we could all use an Optimism Zone to recalibrate our interactions.

Finding Your Voice

Posted on by Carl Weber

speed_bumps_kill_earth

(Image Courtesy of Autoblog.com)

When working with a fairly large team of leaders one dominant trait was clear. This team drove hard for results, and wanted to accomplish numerous projects and tasks. The intensity manifested itself during their meetings. In between numerous cross-conversations and interruptions, ideas were discussed, challenged, and hashed out.

If you had an idea, you had to defend it.

If you had a suggestion, you had to sell it.

If you had an objection, you had to voice it.

But, there were other members of this team. Team members who did not share the same dominant drive. In meetings, these team members remained silent. They had no voice at the table.

One of the “silent ones” pulled me aside after the session. We talked about finding their voice amongst the team and the challenges associated with speaking up.

“Your voice is important on this team, and you need to find ways to speak up, especially if you have concerns.”

“That is great for you to say, but I think this team just views me as a speed bump on their road to progress.”

After a few moments of stunned silence, a plan developed. We agreed that during the next meeting, this “silent one” would find their voice, stand up, and speak (shout) out the following statement:

“Speed bumps save lives!”

And they did.

After the initial disruption, a brief explanation, and a few laughs, the dominant team members stopped and listened. The “silent one” found their voice, and offered their insight into the project.

Months later, the team dynamic has shifted. More members have found their voices, and the dominant ones are learning to slow down, listen, and even occasionally ask:

“Are there any speed bumps we should know about?”

Finding your voice, in your organization, meeting, or workplace may require a bold step, but being heard is well worth the effort.

Let Me See Your Calendar

Posted on by Carl Weber

Often we wrestle with getting certain projects or activities completed. There are times I wonder if procrastination should be elevated to some sort of art form. The level of creativity that abounds when avoiding certain tasks is nothing short of a masterpiece.

If procrastination was art, I would be Picasso.

This procrastination can permeate through simple tasks and projects, down into our roles both personally and professionally. What starts off as a delay in painting a room or cleaning up your desk, can become putting off coaching employees or participating with your family. One day you wake up to a mountain of unfinished projects, ideas, or roles.

I was listening to a speaker give a talk on what it takes to be a good leader, and one of the keys was following through on certain tasks. When coaching others, this speaker often listens to leaders talk about the things they would like to do, and then says a simple phrase.

“Let me see your calendar.”

The speaker then challenges the leader to show them in their calendar the time the have scheduled to work on that project, and where the deadline appears. Reluctantly, the leaders typically respond that those ideas or projects are not in the calendar. The desire was present, but not the mechanism to create the action needed to complete or make progress on these tasks.

Instead of shaming the person being coached, the speaker then simply works to find dates and times in their calendar and holds them accountable for completion.

I am trying the same approach with myself and others. While coaching a few individuals recently, I realized how much we all need this encouragement and accountability. A few days ago during a coaching session, I realized that there was a project that I had put off for about 12 months. The project itself would take about 1 hour, but there was some sort of procrastination mountain standing in my way.

This morning I spoke that simple phrase, “Let me see your calendar.”

There was space, and the project was scheduled and completed. One simple phrase and the project came off the stalled idea mountain and is now a reality. Imagine the results if we use this simple phrase with ourselves and others.

Try it out, it may just Change the World.

I still have work to do…

Posted on by Carl Weber

About a month ago, I attended training on a new tool to help match individuals to a job, or to help coach them on a deeper level. This new tool can identify someone’s capacity in various attributes, and how they view the world, understand systems and people. The tool doesn’t stop at the outside world.

This new approach also takes a peek at how you are doing on the inside. Do you understand and balance your various roles, do you see your future as bright or muddled, and are you moving forward or just hanging on.

During the training, the instructor eventually passed out our results throughout the room. My little table of four slowly received the results and each person began flipping through the pages to gain some insight. Somewhat guarded, we all peered at the pages occasionally glancing at the others at the table. Eventually we shared the results.

Despite the individual variation, there was one theme. Each person at the table had a good handle on other people and how to help them (most were consultants or HR professionals), but all of us could use a little work on ourselves. I couldn’t help but feel a little uneasy and my Narrator seemed to try to tell me that unless I get my own act together, I shouldn’t be telling others how to improve.

In the far left corner of the room, there was another consultant. This consultant has been working with individuals and companies for almost 43 years. When speaking or providing insight during the session the room hushed as if everyone in the room wanted to let the words and insight of this wise sage penetrate our minds. It was amazing and intimidating at the same time.

This consultant called me yesterday. Mostly because of my half-joking statement at the end of class when each of us was asked to say what we learned the most during the training.

“I learned that I need to be coached by you” I said speaking directly to that consultant.

It got a laugh, but imagine my surprise during our call. When we were discussing some of the potential areas I may need to develop and work on, I heard the following.

“You know Carl, when I read my own results and report, I realize that I still have work to do.”

It was reassuring that someone who has worked with others almost as long as I have been alive still has work to do and their development journey is far from over.

This conversation reminded me that there are two paths.

One path makes a bold statement.

“I have it all figured out and I will tell you how to make your life, career, job, and world better.”

The second path echoes the simpler statement I heard while on the phone.

“We are on this collective journey together. We still have work to do and if some of the insights we learn help us…great. Let’s see where this takes us.”

I still have work to do, and I look forward to this journey together.

Recovery Days

Posted on by Carl Weber

Life can be hectic. Work can be demanding. Our schedules fill up with commitments. This endless sea of activity will take its toll.

Our bodies wear down. We become sick.

Our creativity decreases. We go through the motions like empty shells.

Our relationships suffer. We react instead of respond to others.

What is the solution? Since no progress has been made on the Super Secret Bonus Day, the solution requires some discipline.

During a much-needed get away with some amazing friends, we discussed possible solutions. The consensus was clear: Recovery Days.

Recovery Days are days that each of us has to put on our calendars periodically that allow us to gain back energy (rest), creativity, and connection. These Recovery Days become more important during seasons of our lives that require more creativity, more commitment, or more hours.

Striking this balance can seem impossible. Don’t wait too long, or until your calendar is already packed. Once your calendar is full, it is too late. As your calendar begins to fill and commitments are piling up, find the space for a Recovery Day and lock the day. Honor the commitment to yourself in the same way you would for a client or customer.

I just scheduled my first Recovery Day for June, right after a busy two weeks. Go ahead and schedule your Recovery Day today. Imagine what your work, creativity, and relationships may look like when you have recovered. You may find yourself ready to take on that next challenge, and who knows, it may just Change the World.