Category: Knowing Yourself

What is Stopping You?

Posted on by Carl Weber

The meeting concluded.

Papers and seats moved and the rustling and sliding began.

Then came the questions.

“When can you schedule another meeting?”

“How about you get us back together again at the 6, 12, and 18 month mark?”

“Can you arrange for this to happen?”

There was a pause.

A longer pause.

Scanning the room.

Eyes hungrily peering back, waiting for a reply.

“What is stopping you from getting together on your own?”

Silence.

Revelation.

Action.

Sometimes you get used to someone else driving.

Sometimes you get used to someone else setting the agenda.

Sometimes you get used to someone else scheduling that meeting or get-together.

Sometimes you get used to someone else managing that project or idea.

Sometimes you get used to…

Pause.

Longer pause.

What is stopping you?

 

But We Ran

Posted on by Carl Weber

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Running this winter has been hard. Layer upon layer. Attempts to cover every inch of exposed surfaces. Runs when temperatures dropped from single digits to zero and below before we ended.

But we ran.

The combination of record cold and record snow has combined to create what we are affectionately calling “winter fatigue.”

But we ran.

This has not been our fastest year. Many of our times have slowed. We became sick, tired, frustrated, injured, and cold.

But we ran.

We ran on days when it was dark. We ran on days when the wind almost stopped all forward progress.

But we ran.

Despite spring arriving on the calendar, we have had near record cold again. Winter seems to want to keep us in a state of hibernation. Days that should be in the 40s and 50s have been in the 30s.

But we ran.

What is coming our way next?

More weather, more illness, more injury, more road blocks, more [insert term here] issues?

I am not sure. There is only one thing I know for sure.

We will run.

 

Bootleg

Posted on by Carl Weber

Besides the references to smuggling alcohol during prohibition, or the particular cut of jeans, Bootleg is typically when something is an unauthorized or counterfeit. However, sometimes Bootleg is when you have settled for a less than replacement for Real.

Bootleg may be all that we can afford.

Bootleg may be all that we have access to at the moment.

Bootleg may be the cheaper alternative until our circumstances change.

But there is trouble with Bootleg.

We get used to Bootleg.

Our lives become entwined with Bootleg.

We have settled and moving from Bootleg to Real takes effort.

What was meant to be temporary has become permanent.

That relationship is comfortable, but not Real or deep.

That business partner works, but you are giving more than you receive.

That job pays the bills, but there is no inspiration.

Bootleg has a way of keeping us comfortable with less.

Don’t settle for Bootleg.

Real is sometimes more costly.

Real is deeper and more meaningful.

Real is what we all need.

 

 

Two Obstacles

Posted on by Carl Weber

There are two obstacles. Or maybe at least two categories of obstacles.

Internal obstacles and external obstacles.

Internal obstacles include fear, doubt, our inner voice, regret, commitment, procrastination, and fear (yes I put it on the list twice).

External obstacles include time, resources, location, people, bosses, organizations, regulations, climate, and the entire world.

When we do not accomplish something it is so tempting to blame the external obstacles.

You didn’t have the time.

You didn’t have the resources.

The organization got in the way.

Those people derailed you.

The weather didn’t cooperate.

In reality, our internal obstacles play a larger role.

You were afraid.

Your inner voice reminded you that you are an imposter.

You thought you might fail.

You were afraid.

You didn’t commit.

The genius of the internal obstacles is that they convince you to look elsewhere. To look outside.

Internal obstacles hold up a magnifying glass and convince us that the external obstacles are large. Larger than life.

We forget that a magnifying glass, although helpful in viewing details, is a distortion of reality.

This distortion convinces us that we have no power to move forward. The external obstacles are too large, too menacing, too much to overcome.

The internal obstacles get off easy by blaming the external obstacles.

Next time, don’t let them off so easily.

Put down that magnifying glass, and take that first step.

Fear not the obstacles in your path.

(I can no longer type or say OBSTACLES without thinking of this movie scene. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. However, now all I hear is “OB-STACK-ELLS”)

“I cannot tell you how long this road shall be, but fear not the obstacles in your path, for fate has vouchsafed your reward. Though the road may wind, yea, your hearts grow weary, still shall ye follow them…”

Blind Seer in O Brother, Where Art Thou?

Homework, Frustration, and Emotional Intelligence

Posted on by Carl Weber

Homework

While having lunch the other day with a friend, the conversation moved from simply catching up on the details of our lives to deeper places. We started to talk about emotional intelligence and the role it plays in our success.

To provide an example, I shared a story.

A few years ago, while trying to help one of our daughters with her homework, I got upset. The helping, the explanations, and the examples were not gaining traction. In fact, it seemed to make things worse. My emotional glass got cloudy.

I have already admitted to having Emotional Rickets when it comes to emotional intelligence. Of the five hierarchical steps by Daniel Goleman, the first two always help me unpack issues that I may be having.

Step 1, Self-Awareness

Step 2, Self-Regulation

If I am having a problem with Self-Regulation (getting upset), I go back down a Step to Self Awareness and try to figure out what is happening.

What is the negative emotional trigger? What else may be going on inside?

“Why is helping with her homework causing you to get upset?”

“I don’t know, maybe because I want her to succeed.”

“Ok, that is one possibility, but helping her succeed shouldn’t cause you to be angry. What else is happening, what are you afraid of?”

“I am afraid that she won’t do well, that she won’t get into college, that this time was somehow wasted.”

“Keep going.”

“I am afraid that this means that I have not helped or prepared her enough. That her failing is a reflection of me. That I am not a good Dad.”

There it was: the real issue. Fear of failing as a Dad.

I was trying to Self-Regulate an emotional state around homework that was really about something else. By going back a step, by finding greater Self-Awareness, the Self-Regulation becomes easier.

It was never about the homework. In fact, the inability to Self-Regulate was actually contributing to that fear becoming a reality.

Thankfully, she still lets me help with homework. (After some serious apologizing and a few tears.) Those feelings or fears still exist, but the ability to regulate the emotions in the moment have become much easier.

The next time you find yourself getting upset about homework or having trouble with Self-Regulation when [insert your specific story here] try this simple process.

Take a step back, ask yourself the hard questions.

What is really happening? What are you afraid of?

Decisions versus Feelings

Posted on by Carl Weber

Whether running or life in general, I have noticed a pattern. Feelings can interfere with our decisions. 

Feelings can disrupt us.

Feelings often provide the much desired excuse to stop moving forward.

Recently I have just been observing how often I hear myself or others verbalizing how feelings have the veto power over our decisions.

Here is what I found: we say these things all the time.

“I am not sure if I will feel like running later.”

“I will let you know how I feel before I decide.”

“I don’t know if I feel up to doing 6 miles today.”

“Let’s see how we feel before we say yes.”

Who gave feelings this power over us? Who said feelings are ahead of everyone else in the line of importance? I understand that feelings are part of the mix, but when did feelings take the chair at the end of the table? The corner office? When did feelings start running the show?

After noticing this pattern during a recent conversation, I couldn’t help but bring it up.

“I heard you say multiple times that this decision is dependent on how you feel. What is preventing you from making the decision now?”

“Multiple times? Really?”

“Yup.” (I know, I know, great follow-up.)

“Well, I guess it is really fear. Fear of not being able to do it. Fear of not being successful after I put myself out there.”

Fear.

One of the most disruptive of feelings. Fear seems to be elbowing its way to the front of the feelings line.

There is a little secret to put feelings in their place.

Decisions.

Decisions to go for that run ahead of time.

Decisions to take on the project.

Decisions to take a risk.

Decisions to push yourself.

I heard a great quote about feelings:

“Feel what you feel. But do not trust them as objective reality.”

When feelings start elbowing their way to the front of the line, try making a few decisions to put them back where they belong.

P.S. Our little running team made the decision to run the other day when it was below 20 degrees and dropping almost a degree every 15 minutes.