Tag: knowing yourself

Page 37 The Muse’s Guide: Comparison

Posted on by Carl Weber

The following is an excerpt from Page 37 of the Muse’s Guide: Your guide to Humans. This little known manual was recently discovered. A copy is provided to each of our Muse’s during their orientation as they wait to be assigned to a Human. This series will reveal some of the insight contained within the dog eared and highlighted pages of the Muse’s Guide.

…you will remember that despite being tough or even confident on the outside, a human’s real battles is within. That Narrator (inner voice) is determined to keep them from creating. Each Human has a creative spark within them. They are designed to bring that creativity into the world. That creativity is continually attacked, but not always directly. The subtlety of each attack depends on your human, but one of the worst attacks is comparison.

A few years ago, there was this one Human. You can look it up, but Stephanie was assigned to this mustached one that became some sort of leader. Teddy something, but that is not important. The key was what he learned from Stephanie about comparison.

“Comparison is the thief of Joy.”

Instead of moving forward in their own journey, humans continually look around and measure themselves against others. This comparison helps steal joy away, especially when they are first getting started.

The Narrator gets really loud. The Narrator seeks out ways to compare your Human to others and conclude that your human should stop, give up, because they are not at valuable as someone else.

A recent example involved James who was assigned to that artist, writer, and potter Annie. Annie has been on our radar for a while now. She is so talented. Her creativity has manifested through various mediums, yet the same things keep getting in the way. Comparison seems to really work on her to stop her from sharing her gifts with others.

We recently found a transcript of the Annie’s Narrator as she was thinking about sharing or even selling some of her recent pottery.

“You are making some progress, but you are not ready to share your work. Look around at Jim’s recent creation, you are not at his level. Maybe you never will be at that level.”

The Narrator starts with some acknowledgment of Annie’s progress, then takes away her confidence and discounts her work.

It gets worse.

“You are pretty good, but look at all these other artists. It is not only Jim, and Alex, and Pam in your class, but these others are so much better than you. Maybe they worked harder, but they appear to have more natural talent than you. You are not ready. You are not good enough.”

The Narrator finds an endless comparison list. As soon as Annie feels confident that her progress matches that first standard, the standard changes again. And again, and again with a never-ending list of comparisons.

Remember, everything fails by an irrelevant standard.

Don’t be fooled into thinking that comparison is a new tactic. It has been happening from the beginning. The new ways your human compares themselves to others are just faster versions and make your job a little more challenging.

Muse Suggestions against Comparison – remember each human is unique so this guide will provide some ideas to help and you may need to try variations to best meet your human’s needs.

Human’s and Self-Worth – Remember that poster in the Muse break room “Human beings, not Human doings” that helps us understand the real issue. Humans forget that they have worth just by being, not by what they do. This connection between what they do or accomplish and how they feel about themselves is strong.

Strong but Wrong.

Remind them of their value.

Remind them of their worth.

Remind them that creating or accomplishing feels good, but those feelings are in addition to feeling good about their own value or worth.

Comparison Triggers – Each Human finds a mix of comparison markers to measure themselves against. Some will be in their actual circles (friends, colleagues, family members) but many of these comparisons are strangers from across the globe. Humans see others from the outside, feel their own inner battle, and forget that other humans also have inner battles.

Remind them to take a break from viewing others.

Remind them that they are not alone when they struggle.

Remind them to be aware of what triggers negative feelings when viewing others.

Remind them that all Humans are racing together, and not against each other.

Being a Muse is not an easy job.

Being a Muse is not about a formula or following steps to solve a problem. Humans are not a problem. Humans are magnificent, strange, creative, complex, weird, temperamental, and insecure.

Your job is to guide, support, inspire, and encourage your Human.

20,089

Posted on by Carl Weber

20,089

Yesterday I couldn’t help but reflect on that number.

20,089 days.

20,089 days of existing on this planet.

20,089 days of such variety.

There were good days, and bad.

There were easy days, and hard.

There were successful days, and failure.

There were joy-filled days, and sorrow.

There were adventure days, and mundane.

There were healthy days, and sick.

There were intentional days, and carefree.

There were helpful days, and helpless.

There were wild days, and tame.

There were days.

And, there are more days to come.

How many more days?

10,957?

Many of the 20,089 days have been dominated by The Narrator seeking to limit my perception of what is possible.

This voice has been trying to convince me that I am not good enough or less than.

But there is a whisper of a new voice.

Faint gentle sounds.

Encouraging. Inspiring. Calling.

I think I know its name.

It has always been here.

It has tried to break through, but has been overshadowed.

I am trying to hear that voice in the midst of all the other noise.

All the other distractions.

All the past days.

I think I know its name.

Five years ago. A good friend sent me a story for my birthday.

ROOKIE MISTAKE

“I suppose you’ll want me to come back,” she said.

“I’ll clear my calendar,” I said. “Whenever you want to stop by.”

You never say “whenever you want to stop by” to your muse.

In your intoxicated bliss, make sure she adds her next visit to her calendar – in pen.

***

Iain Young didn’t get a good look at his muse. He’s pretty sure he wouldn’t recognize her.

My friend was pointing the way.

The Muse.

My Muse.

Your Muse.

For the next 10,957 (or however many days we have) let’s seek out that other voice.

The inspiring one.

The encouraging one.

The one that reminds you that all work and life is creative.

The one that calls you to more.

The one that reminds you that you can!

The one that says “what is possible?”

I think our Muse wants more appointments with us – in pen!

Acting As If

Posted on by Carl Weber

It was painful to the touch.

I never realized how heavy my own head could be, especially when I could barely turn or lift it.

The pain radiated from the back of my skull through my neck, clavicle, and down my back.

An accident? Nope.

An injury while doing something risky? Again, no.

An event that happened that required physical feats of strength? I wish.

Apparently just “sleeping wrong” created this overload of spasms and agony. Mid-life occupational hazard.

Four days. Ibuprofen overload.

Four pain-filled days. Learning to move, not move, and do simple tasks.

Relief. Physical Therapy and stretching.

The next few days were interesting.

Despite being pain free, I found myself acting as if the pain was still there.

Cautiously moving, acting as if the soreness and stiffness remained.

Acting as if…

Acting as if is a concept in positive psychology that has us aspire to what we want to become or goals we want to achieve, and then start acting as if we have already arrived or achieved those goals in the face of challenges or obstacles.

Acting as if, builds our self confidence, our self-perceptions, and helps against self-sabotage and builds a more positive mindset.

By the second pain-free day, I began to notice the power of acting as if.

When I was acting as if the pain was still there, I was stiff, cautious, moved slower, and was afraid.

In that moment, I had to remind myself that the pain was gone and start acting as if things were normal. My movements became more fluid and natural.

My mind wandered to all the times I have been acting as if pain, limitations, and obstacles are still here. Limiting me.

I began to think about all the time WE have all been acting as if a lot of things are still present. Limiting us.

Where could we all try acting as if?

Acting as if that pain is no longer present.

Acting as if we achieved our goals.

Acting as if we are enough.

I look forward to hearing about your acting as if journey, and until then I will be here acting as if we have already arrived together.

Relational atrophy

Posted on by Carl Weber

It’s been a while.

When the world shut down, so did my relationships.

I fell out of practice.

Survival, stress, and a focus on tasks and solving problems took the main stage.

I got rusty.

New habits formed: isolating habits that didn’t include the same connection as before.

It was a long, but subtle shift.

From less, to more, to loss.

Less phone calls, less fun, less light-hearted conversations.

Less time WITH others.

Less time FOR others.

Less.

When there is less, something will fill that void.

More negativity, more urgency, more stress, more vigilance, more protection mode, more burn-out.

The results were loss.

Loss of connection.

Loss of friends.

Loss of time.

Loss.

The best way to describe where I am today is a state of Relational Atrophy.

Weaker, out of practice, easily tired, and doing simple things are much harder.

Understanding and acknowledging this Relational Atrophy helps.

Finding a way forward is next.

Similar to exercise, this process won’t happen overnight.

It might take some time for these muscles to remember.

Small steps.

Apologies.

Invites to get coffee.

Invites to connect.

Invites to get gelato.

Phone calls.

Texts.

Scheduling time for others.

Scheduling time WITH others.

Time.

Those relational muscles will return.

New habits will form.

Take a moment to think about how these past few years impacted you and your relationships.

How has Relationship Atrophy impacted you?

Where have you fallen out of practice with others?

How can you take one step today to flex those relationship muscles?

The good news is we might not be alone, and we can try moving forward together.

One more idea – schedule time under the tree. Let me know, I will make the coffee.

Blue Skies, Clouds, and Flying

Posted on by Carl Weber

A few miles into a guided run on my Nike Run Club app the coach, along with the co-founder of Headspace, started talking about motivation and being enough.

They described us as having enough (motivation, inspiration, or whatever we needed to keep doing this hard thing) but also as being enough. They wanted us to picture that place when we feel motivated, inspired and enough as a blue sky.

That blue sky is always there and beautiful.

But clouds make their way in and cover that sky. Those clouds represent our doubts, fears, feelings of not being enough.

When those feelings come in, they cover the blue sky and become what we focus on.

Those clouds are what stop us from finding the motivation, inspiration, and feeling like we are enough.

But they reminded us that despite the clouds, that blue sky is still there. Sometimes we cannot see it through the clouds, but it still exists.

Even when the clouds break, sometimes we are still so focused on the clouds, we miss the blue sky coming through.

This guided run and approach reminded me of my wife’s grandfather. A grizzly and tough man who flew planes in WWII and went by Gramps but made me call him “Commander.”

I once asked him what he liked the most about flying.

“Every single day is a sunny day with a blue sky if you just fly high enough.”

Gramps (aka Commander)

Will clouds come into our lives?

Yes.

Will those clouds of doubt and fear, and not being enough be our focus?

Maybe we just need to remember to fly high enough to find that blue sky.

P.S. Thanks Commander for the laughs and conversations and for the inspiration to be Captain.

What’s Your Pace?

Posted on by Carl Weber

During a recent dinner with a few friends, the conversation turned towards running. They run. I run. We are all runners. Put a few runners in the same room and talking about running is inevitable.

We started to talk about upcoming runs, past runs, and our favorite routes.

We started to discuss weather and water, getting outside and getting older.

We started, and then the focus shifted.

“What’s your pace?”

Instead of talking about nutrition plans.

“What’s your pace?”

Instead of talking about the mental game of running.

“What’s your pace?”

Instead of talking about why we run and what it means to us.

“What’s your pace?”

Instead of talking about good runs, and bad runs, and the entire running journey.

“What’s your pace?”

It was the narrow and continuous focus that caught my attention. They kept asking, and I kept trying to steer the conversation away. I wanted to know so much more about them and their journey. I wanted to share more about running through my 50’s, trying to remain injury free, and the mental game of running.

Maybe I am the outlier, but I had an advantage that helped me notice what was happening.

Over the past few months, I have been both participating in, and coaching a Mental Fitness program. This program raised my awareness of my own tendency towards an overuse of achievement. This “hyper-achiever” inside me creates a cycle of constant performance and achievement for self-respect and self-validation with a focus on external success.

The conversation’s focus on pace, was triggering this “hyper-achiever” inside me. Combined with my internal narrator (or Judge) who judges myself and others (especially through comparison) wanted to share my pace and talk about my faster runs.

But comparison and competition is not what I want in conversations.

That goes for all conversations, not just the running ones.

What is the alternative?

Recognizing this pattern is the first step. The next step is learning to shift away from these default approaches, and establishing being curious as a practice. This curiosity helps you ask better questions and explore with the other person.

Instead of “What’s your pace?” try a few of these questions:

What are you struggling with?

What have you learned after all these years?

What has been your greatest success?

When do you feel at your best?

How can I help/support you on this journey?

Magic Bonus Question: The AWE question – And what else?

These questions apply to all of our conversations. Being curious and exploring brings us closer instead of creating competition that drives us apart.

For me, pace doesn’t matter, exploring and getting to really know other people brings the real magic.

Interested in improving your Mental Fitness? I have a few spaces remaining for the next group program. Contact me for details.