Category: Random Thoughts

Insecurity Remnants

Posted on by Carl Weber

geos_rincon_recycled_glass

We are in part, the sum of our experiences.

Some experiences are good. Some are not.

There were times of joy as well as sadness.

There were times of success as well as failure.

There were times of progress as well as regression.

There were times of new beginnings as well as endings.

There were times of confidence as well as insecurity.

The remnants of our experiences become our mosaic.

Various sized remnant shards combined together to form us.

Remnants that may have smoothed with the passing of time.

Remnants that may still be sharp.

The Insecurity Remnants surprise me the most.

Still sharp after all these years.

A Tale of Three Me(s): Past, Present, and Future

Posted on by Carl Weber

The Three Mes

This concept of the “three Me(s)” came out of an ongoing conversation I  have been having with a close friend.

When you meet someone, at first glance, they may seem ordinary enough, but there is more to them. By our count, there are in fact three of them: a Past, a Present, and a Future version. These three Me(s) or You(s) are trying to coexist and work together, but there can be tension between them.

Let’s meet the three Me(s) and learn what they have to tell us.

Meet Present Carl. Present Carl has a lot on his plate. He is juggling multiple roles, jobs, tasks, and ideas. His desk is covered in piles. Present Carl has lists, and lists of things to accomplish. He is a little overwhelmed (maybe a lot) and is easily distracted (maybe a lot). Present Carl has a lot of work to do, and he is trying to balance the work along with enjoying life, connecting with his close family and friends.

There are two other Me(s). One is waiting to arrive.

Meet Future Carl. This guy has it made. Things are going well for him. He is successful and has “made it.” Future Carl is a successful author, consultant, speaker, husband, father, and friend who lives in a cool community (maybe two), sets his own hours and schedule, works with an amazing team, and sips good strong coffee while working on creatively cool projects that change the world.

There is the last Me. One who existed before.

Meet Past Carl. He was a pretty good guy (most of the time). He tried hard, but tended to procrastinate. He was easily distracted, overwhelmed, got frustrated, and didn’t always like the hard work that was in front of him. Past Carl liked to get in the car and go on adventures instead of mowing the lawn, planting a garden, or crossing things off that ever growing to-do list.

Unfortunately, there is tension between the three Me(s): Past, Present, and Future. They are not always on the same page. They fight, blame each other, and resentment can build between them. Sometimes they don’t even know they are on the same team, and may actually be working against one another.

Present Carl tends to blame the other two. He blames Future Carl for dreaming up these lofty goals. He blames Past Carl for not doing enough work, for procrastinating, and for not saving or sacrificing enough. Ironically, Present Carl tends to be the one dreaming up those goals, while at the same time not doing the work today. But he likes to blame the other two.

Past Carl feels under-appreciated, overlooked, and less important. He wasn’t asleep at his post. He studied, worked hard, and tried to face what each day would bring. He did some of the tasks while trying to balance life each day.

Future Carl cannot seem to understand what is taking so long. Why didn’t the other two get their act together? Why didn’t they pay the price? Why didn’t they invest? “Just think where we could be today if they had just [insert expectation here].”

Present Carl tends to be the most judgmental. He feels trapped between Past Carl and Future Carl. He doesn’t always like being in the middle. The projects aren’t getting done, the pressures are mounting, and the joy of accomplishment has been replaced by resentment toward the burdensome expectations.

How can we help and reconcile the Past, Present, and the Future me(s)?

Present Carl could start by forgiving Past Carl. Past Carl did a lot of things that were not perfect, and included some failings along the way. However, Past Carl got Present Carl to where he is today. Instead of resentment, Present Carl can show gratitude and recognize the work, sacrifice, and circumstances of Past Carl and grow to appreciate him.

Once forgiven, Past Carl is free to just be.

Present Carl, no longer burdened with the blame and resentment, can have a new perspective. He realizes that soon he will become Past Carl as well. The work he does or doesn’t do, matters. He looks ahead to Future Carl and realizes that he needs to be free from the burden of him as well.

Future Carl can help here. Future Carl can ask Present Carl to forgive him as well. He didn’t intend for the goals, and achievements to be a heavy weight on Present Carl. He wants the best for him, and sees cool things ahead in the journey. Future Carl begins to root for Present Carl.

Present Carl is now free.

Present Carl understands he needs to do work, but not as a resentment-filled task. His work each day is more of a gift to Future Carl. Present Carl doesn’t “have to” do things, but “gets to” do things to make a difference for someone he really cares about. Present Carl also begins to cherish the work of Past Carl and regularly thanks him for the sacrifice that got him here. Past Carl begins to root for Present Carl as well.

All three of them, Past Carl, Present Carl, and Future Carl are learning to operate as a team. Their appreciation for each other has grown, and gratitude and mutual grace has replaced the blame that used to dominate their interactions. They are not perfect, and it is taking the three of them some time to get used to their new roles. When the old attitudes or patterns creep back in, they remind each other of how much they care about each other, and forgive again.

The hope for you is that your three Me(s) will learn to walk together in grace and peace. That they will become more of a team, and stop working against each other and begin to cherish and root for each other.

May all of (y)our Me(s) find what they need.

The Today List

Posted on by Carl Weber

Yes I like lists. Lists are good. But, lists can feel like a burden. Sometimes items joining the list outpace our ability to accomplish the tasks. The lists keep growing.

While having lunch with someone close, we started to talk of lists. Our many lists. Our volumes of lists.

The paper list at work, the paper list in my office, the lists on my phone (which includes 10 ongoing lists), the list I made in my FIELD NOTES, and the new list that I just created that day during my super-secret-bonus day.

They provided a piece of advice.

“That is why I have a Today list.”

“What is a Today list?”

“It is a list where I just take a few items that I need or want to accomplish today, and put it on this small list. Then I go accomplish these few items.”

“Brilliant. I need to write that on my list (of potential blog ideas).”

Life and lists can feel a little overwhelming. The weight of all those pages and entries can crush us.

There was something incredibly freeing about taking a moment and making one more list.

Just a few items.

Just what I need or want to accomplish today.

Just today.

The Today List. Brilliant.

 

A Little Friendly Research (My Turn)

Posted on by Carl Weber

I asked you a series of questions, and your answers appeared in the last 7 posts. Your answers were vulnerable, honest, funny, serious, and clever. Your answers inspired questions, discussions, and honest conversations about friends, and friendships. Your answers inspired some actions, as friends connected, reached out, answered phone calls, and actions became a little more deliberate and focused.

I wondered about how to end this series, and a few of you suggested that I weigh in on those same 9 questions.

So, it is my turn.

Question 1: What are the best attributes of your good friends?

They are intentional. They reach out. They call me, text me, and email me. They initiate as well as respond. They seem to have this internal counter that knows when too many moments, hours, days, or weeks have passed and the alarm goes off and they remember to connect.

Question 2: Do you think friendship is hard? Why or why not?

Friendship seemed easier in elementary school when you walked with the same person every day to school, then goofed around every weekend together on little adventures in the woods and on the pond. Friendship seemed easier when you were on a ship and saw them everyday for 6 months, and ate, slept, and worked together. Friendship seemed easier in college when you were in that crappy little apartment waiting for your paychecks so you could actually buy meat at the store.

Friendship seemed to get harder in the next stage of life. New jobs, new cities, new neighborhoods, new kids, and new distances between all of them.

Friendship is getting easier and harder at the same time in this current stage. My expectations have grown as the years have passed. What satisfied this need to connect years ago, doesn’t seem like enough. I have more time for friends then a decade ago, but some of them don’t have the same time available to me. The number of friends “goal” has been replaced with a depth of friendship “goal” which I recently realize is a much harder prize to attain.

Question 3: What do you expect from a friend?

Balance and equity in the long-run. I may need something from them for a season, but I want to find a season to give back as well. They shouldn’t be the only one to initiate connection, I want to call them, text them, email them, or reach out as well. I need that same little internal counter in my head that reminds me that too much time, distance, or life has gone by and I need to take action.

This question caused me to wrestle the most. I fear my expectations may be causing interference with some friends because my expectations may be higher, and unspoken.

There is tension expectation. How do we learn to give freely, and not be taken advantage of? When do you give? When do you need? How do you measure balance and equity?

No great answers, yet the wrestling seems like a good thing for me to work on.

Question 4: How much time in a given week do you think about your friendships?

A LOT! Until I read your responses, I thought I was a bit of an outlier (well I may still be). There was comfort to know that I am not the only one who thinks about this pretty often.

My mind wanders towards friends and friendship throughout my entire day. The morning computer/writing time, the commute, at random times each day, lunchtime, afternoon coffee, closing time, the other commute, dinnertime, vegging out time, before I sleep (you get the idea).

Bottom line, if you are my friend, I think about you a lot.

Question 5: What are your best attributes as a friend?

I care about you. I think about you. I connect with you. I am here when you need something (yes that has included the occasional furniture moving). I invest in you. I want you to succeed. I have hope for you. I find time for you. I love you.

Question 6: If you could say one thing to your friends that would help explain what you need from them, what would you say?

Be real. Be present. Be available. Be my friend.

Question 7: How many close friends would you say you have?

Nine.

Question 8: Anything else you would like to share?

Yes. This process, this journey has helped me understand friends and friendship in a new way. Your responses have helped shape me and I don’t want this journey to end.

Earlier this week I was teaching a class and we talked about leadership. One participant mentioned that leadership has an expiration date. In other words, if you are not exercising those skills, they expire, go bad, and become rotten.

I think this applies to friendships as well.

Question 9: In 10 words or less, what advice would you give the World about friendships?

Intention. Balance. Mindful. Time. Hope. Connect. Remember. Savor. Initiate. Love.

 

A Little Friendly Research Part 7 (The Finale)

Posted on by Carl Weber

Part 7. The Finale.

Wondering what this is all about? Start here.

I asked. You answered.

Question 8: Anything else that you would like to share?

[Insert name] is a great friend.

This exercise, especially questions 6 and 7, gave me pause – made me think. Thank you for that.

Yes.

Regardless of the type of relationship you have you get out what you put in.

Friendships are difficult. time and distance have a way of seeing some friendships lose their closeness. Yet many friends, who I don’t see on a regular basis because of distance, etc. can pick up where they left off immediately because the disruption of the friendship wasn’t based on wounds of differences, but just life. Others dissolve because of differences that went unresolved. Those are the hardest. Unresolved conflict is tough.

[insert name] is a great friend and I appreciate [name].

Question 9: In 10 words or less, what advice would you give to the World about friendships?

Treat a friendship like a romantic relationship and vice versa.

Friends are one the greatest gifts you will receive. They… (sorry there was a 10 word limit.)

(Just Kidding) …provide laughter as well as keep you from wandering off in the desert of life.

Be the friend you want to have.

It’s not a contest.

People always come into your life for a reason, enjoy!

Being willing to be vulnerable when you want to retreat because you are hurt or misunderstood, is well worth it. If that friend truly values you and your friendship, he or she will cover that vulnerability with grace. Your friendship can grow stronger in spite of the struggle. Way more than 10 words. Lol.

I’m breaking the rules and combining 8 and 9.

I don’t have any advice, but I will share a wish. When I think about my friendships, it occurs to me that most (if not all) of them are largely based on convenience. It’s convenient because we live near each other, or because we work together, or because we’re in class together, etc. If that convenient variable were removed, I don’t know what would happen to those relationships. Would they make the effort to maintain them? Would I? I know that feeling like a friend-when-convenient is pretty sad; I’ve felt that way, and I’m sure I’ve made others feel that way too. I wonder if this is just the way it is with the friendships we have in adulthood?

If so, my wish is that we could find a way to do better than that. I wish that friendships were a higher priority, despite all of other things competing for our time and energy. I wish we valued them more. I wish that we’d protect them, and fight for them. I wish we’d be more willing to do the work to sustain them, even when it’s not convenient. Especially then.

Ten words: Food and friendship enhance each other.

Thank you again for all of you who answered and shared this post with others. Keep sharing, keep answering, and most of all keep questioning.

What’s next? My turn.

A Little Friendly Research Part 6 (Questions 6 and 7)

Posted on by Carl Weber

Part 6.

I am a little sad that this series is coming to an end.

You see, I asked a bunch of you to weigh in on 9 questions about friends and friendship. After this post, only 2 questions remain. It feels a little like the day before the last day of vacation. You are still relaxing, sitting by the pool, but the normal world is vying for your attention. Suddenly instead of enjoying the sun on your face, you begin to think about packing, traveling, unpacking, getting back into the routine, grocery shopping, making dinner, and doing laundry. You have to work to keep the world out of your vacation for another day. I had to remind myself to enjoy this post, this day, and not worry about what the next post may bring.

If you are totally lost, start at the beginning. Think about the questions. Take out a sheet of paper and jot down your own answers, the compare them against this smattering of wisdom, openness, and advice.

They are friends.

They have friends.

Perhaps their words, answers, and ideas will help you in your own journey.

Question 6: If you could say one thing to your friends that would help explain what you need from them, what would you say?

Question 7: How many close friends would you say you have?

Just love me for me.

Four.

Confirmation that I’m being the friend that they need me to be.

15.

I need to know that you care, and I might need to be reassured sometimes.

Few. I could count them on one hand and have fingers to spare.

I don’t know what I need from my friends, other than to be friends.

6.

And please don’t give up on me.

4-5.

Honesty. I don’t want someone to tell me what I want to hear or what they think I want to hear.

5.

don’t give up on me.

4 or 5.

Trust: I need to know you have my back, will be my cheerleader and defender and think the best of me.

I have a lot of folks in my life who I love deeply. But many are just too far away or seen too seldom to consider “close” friends. So I would say right now, there are 7 people I consider close/deep friends.

Availability.

Question 8 and 9 remain.