Category: Our Words

Theory, Paper and Real Life

Posted on by Carl Weber

Sadly, a lot of times I am better in theory or on paper than I am in real life.  I have certain beliefs about the way the world or people should be, how they can better connect with and work with each other and I think, write and even periodically teach these concepts. Applying these concepts to my own life has proven to be a challenge.  I will give you a few examples.

Preparing to teach on emotional intelligence and becoming stressed about it and losing my cool with the kids about their homework.

Writing a blog about communicating while getting into an argument with those around me.

Teaching on coaching in the workplace while canceling my coaching session with one of my employees.

My ability to offer great advice to others while failing to take that exact same advice for my own present situation is remarkable (unfortunately).

I heard a very important idea from Jack Enter, a speaker and author.  During a session on failing as a leader, he warned us that believing in something and putting it into practice are two separate things.  He warns us to be careful about being satisfied with our beliefs while never executing on the actions necessary to do the steps needed to be the people and leaders we need to be.

Our (or at least my) ability to allow this disconnect between theory, who we are on paper, and real life is amazing.  The ability to have two seemingly contrary positions without noticing it has become more apparent to me, especially when I fail.

Jack recommends disciplining ourselves to implement these concepts, while being accountable to others so we actually do these things.  How to you make sure your theories or who you are on paper makes it into your real life?

For me, the morning phone call helps because it provides a space to be honest about where I didn’t measure up, and be accountable to others to make changes that bring my life more in line with these theories I believe.

They

Posted on by Carl Weber

At times, our busy schedules, full plates, and drive to get things done can become excuses or justification for our lack of intentional communication.  Over time, how we communicate with others is more of a habit and we give it little thought or consideration.

The other day, while working with a group I heard some interesting dialogue.

“If they would just understand what needs to be done here without complaining, it would be just fine.”

“They always micromanage us and do not understand how much we have to accomplish.”

“They are just difficult and this is not a democracy, they need to do their jobs.”

“They never listen.”

“They.”  In each case, both groups were placing blame onto the other.  Over and over during the session I heard this term “they.”  It would be comical if it wasn’t sad.  There was no “I” or “We.”  Replacing “They” with these terms reveals part of the problem.  It is much easier to describe how others need to change, or what they do wrong, versus taking ownership of what I or We do not do well.

When you find yourself blaming “They” perhaps it is time to check out that mirror on the wall.  Imagine the progress any team, relationship, or workplace could make by taking ownership for their own actions first.

How Cloudy is Your Glass?

Posted on by Carl Weber

Understanding your own emotional state is essential to your development and progress as a leader, a co-worker, or a person.  More and more the importance of emotional intelligence is identified as the difference between good/marginal leaders and great leaders.  Daniel Goleman who wrote Emotional Intelligence in 1995 (and many other books) is the leading voice on these matters.  He states that “90% of the difference between star performers and average performers in senior leadership is Emotional Intelligence.”

Emotional Intelligence is the ability to identify, assess, and control the emotions of oneself, of others, and of groups.  The first step is to identify or become more aware of your own emotional state.  To help identify your own emotional state, I like to use the glass example.  A clear glass represents you in your emotional state where you are healthy, in control, and emotionally neutral.

However, life happens.  When negative events occur, they begin to cloud your glass.  The person who cut you off in traffic.  The missed appointment.  The argument with a significant other.  A tragic life event…and the list goes on.  Any of these can cloud your glass.  Becoming aware of your glass and its current state is a great way to both identify what clouds your glass, and how cloudy you may be on a given day.

Your ability to move from the cloudy glass back to clear is one of the most important skills. For some, this process may take hours or even days until the impact of the negative experience clears and they return to neutral.  Identifying your glass in the first place is a great way to separate yourself a little from the circumstances at hand.  Once you recognize that your glass is getting a little cloudy, it becomes easier over time to recognize what triggers you.  Knowing your triggers can help you clear your emotional state more rapidly over time with practice.

I posted this picture on the door to my office and regularly ask those who come in the status of their glass.  I also let them know on certain days that my glass is a little cloudy and I may need a little space.

The great news with Emotional Intelligence is the fact that we can all become better with practice and experience.  I posted about an online game called SuperBetter that has some ways to help with managing your emotional state, feel free to check it out.  Another interesting thing about emotions is that they are contagious (for good or bad).  This means we can play a role in helping each other when our glasses are cloudy.

My glass is a little cloudy today, but knowing that helps me manage my interaction with anyone who I encounter today.  Knowing the state of my glass requires me to slow the world down a little (especially with my kids today) and not react when something does not go as planned.  As I watch them, they key off my emotional state.  The better I manage my own glass, the better they manage theirs as well.  The last thing they need is for me to pour my glass all over them.

Right Now: how cloudy is your glass?  What causes your glass to become cloudy? Are there things that are making your interactions with others more challenging because of what you are carrying with you.  Take a few moments each day to think about your emotional state.  The very act of taking an emotional inventory helps you become more aware that awareness can lead to better management of your emotional state.

An Online Game to Change Your Life

Posted on by Carl Weber

I had the privilege of watching Jane McGonical speak at a conference.  She is a game designer who is on a quest to make our reality more like a game, with quests and “epic wins” that are celebrated together.  When I saw her name on Ted.com’s front page yesterday, I was compelled to watch her again.  This time a much more vulnerable Jane gave a moving talk about her own struggle dealing with a severe concussion that left her bedridden and suicidal.

True to her belief that games can be harnessed to change our world, she created a game to help herself, and all of us with the things we struggle with, or need to overcome.  The game is called Superbetter, and can be found at www.superbetter.com.  We have discussed here a few times the power of setting goals, and Jane takes this to a whole new level by making it more like a heroic quest, that harnesses our allies, encourages us daily and finds very creative ways to assist us in our journey.

Take the first step.  Watch Jane’s Ted.com talk, or if nothing else, watch the intro video on her website at Superbetter.  You goal may not be a dramatic as Jane’s was, and may be about losing weight, becoming more healthy, or lowering your stress level.  Whatever the goal, the site has tools to help you accomplish this and create resilience to help you in your life.  I was moved and signed up for my own quest right away.

To Jane, thanks for being vulnerable and for creating a tool to help us find our way out of whatever we struggle with…whatever holds us back.  Maybe together we really can change the world.

My Cooked Finger is Weak…

Posted on by Carl Weber

The other day I was having this interesting conversation with someone about their voicemail message.  Essentially, they never set up their voice on their cell phone.  When you call them, you get the standard voice stating you reached their number and a beep.  I am always suspect of the standard default voice because I am never sure if I called the right number or not.  I had to ask.

Why didn’t you set up your voice mail?

Well, if I am not there, someone should just text me.

Fair enough.  But what if someone doesn’t realize it is your cell phone?

Then they should not be calling me!

The rest of the conversation was spent coming up with creative messages for their voicemail.  They fell into a few categories:

1.  Trying to be funny.  These are voicemails that try to get a laugh.  One suggestion was the “Hello…hang on just a minute…” or “Hello, I cannot hear you…hello” approach.

2.  Trying to be deep.  These voicemails hinged around indicating that you were either contemplating the universe, conquering the world, or serving humanity.

3.  Trying to be crazy.  These involved getting multiple people in on the voicemail and involved yelling, shouting or various noises in the background (concert, jet plane, or zoo animals).  At one point I was trying to find a way to get the phone and put the message on there when the person was not looking.

It was during this conversation that I remembered the craziest voicemail I had ever heard.  To this day, it always wins hands down!  I first heard it while in college.  I had a musician friend with a few roommates.  At the time, those little magnets with words on them were new and popular and people stuck all these little word-magnets on their refrigerators.  As the story goes, they were making random word combinations and the result was read into their answering machine.  Each roommate had a sentence to read.  Each roommate waded deeply into their respective role.  The result was something different.  Something crazy.

For the full effect you have to read each sentence out loud as if you were the greatest actor or perhaps the greatest over-actor on the planet (a slight British accent helps).  Read them with determination.  Read them with feeling.  Read them with as much emotion as you can muster and you will have just a taste of what I heard the first time I called their number.

“My cooked finger is weak.”

“Misty is she who asks a thousand boys.”

Eat, though you have leg of iron.”

Beep

Is your voicemail message funny, or deep, or crazy?  I was reminded that sometimes we let this sort of crazy creativity mellow with age.  What a shame.  We should get crazier and more daring with age, not more reserved.  So, get out there and be creative.  Come up with something new for your voicemail, or maybe even your life.  If you dare, have the courage to share it with all of us.

I Remember When…

Posted on by Carl Weber

The other day I spent about an hour in the pool with my youngest daughter.  After a dizzying session of whirlpool creation, we began talk.  We talked about the squirrel trap she created.  How those little guys stole all of the almonds she scattered across the driveway, but none of the blueberries were harmed.

At some point I thought of about how amazing it was to be having this conversation with this little person.  My thoughts drifted to all of the memories of her growing up and I started to share some of that with her in the way that my wife and I sometimes share with each other.  We call it “I remember when…”

I remember when you were born.

I remember when you used to be afraid of the deeper pool.

I remember when I first saw you climb our tree like a monkey.

Then it dawned on me to alter it a little and begin to ask questions instead.

Do you remember when…

Do you remember when you were born?  No, but I remember the pictures.  Did I really have all that dark hair?  Yes.

Do you remember when we collected rocks at the beach?  Yes.  But mostly, I liked throwing them in the water.

The questions helped, and eventually she didn’t need prompting and it began to flow.

I remember when I was little and played with a pink basket in your room.

I remember when I first went to school.

I remember when my older sisters came home from college and I cried, because I missed them.

Today, what do you remember?  Take a few moments and reflect and share a few with us, or someone close to you.  Try this out with people you know and ask them what they remember.