I am on YOUR Team!

Your TeamImagine how much simpler life would be if those around you had to wear team shirts. All of us have people who are on our team. All of us have people who are not on our team.

Sometimes we confuse the two, especially during a conflict. Shirts could make it easier to keep track, and not confuse our interactions between these two distinct set of people in our lives.

When we are interacting with people who are not on our team, we have to play defense to protect ourselves.  We also play offense to get ahead or gain the upper hand. Both are designed to “win” against the other person. Over time, our playbook is filled with these strategies.

Unfortunately, our playbook can become our default method for all of our interactions, even our interactions with people close to us…with people who are actually on our team. The team shirt could serve as a reminder.

“Look at my shirt! I am on YOUR Team!”

I need this reminder. It helps me to switch gears and let go of my strategies. When I remember who is on my team, I remember they are here to help.

Sitcom Rules for Our Lives

Now and then (okay, way too often) I misread someone’s humor and become angry.  If you remember, it is my primary emotion.  During one of these moments, someone mentioned how much easier life would be if we were in a sitcom, instead of real life.

They explained the following rules that would help all of us.

1.  There is a laugh track in the background so you know when someone is joking, or attempting humor.

2.  The show only lasts 30 minutes so all arguments or fights can only last until the credits role.

Genius.  How do we put these two into action?  

Important Tip:  We have to agree to these two rules with people around us before the next conflict starts.  Don’t wait until the argument starts to try these out.

Applying Rule #1:  When you are attempting to be funny, and it seems to cause a rise in someone else, just laugh out loud in one of those annoying laugh track sort of ways. Maybe even add some clapping for yourself.

“Ha, Ha, Ha….Bhaaaaaaahaaaaaaahaaaa!”

Applying Rule #2:  When the next argument starts, look at your watch.  Know that the credits will role in 30 minutes, and you have time for commercial and bathroom breaks. Talk it out, but set this boundary so that you are working towards the solution within defined limits.

Try it out, and feel free to use Rule #1 to help you not take things so seriously before moving to Rule #2.

100 Blog Posts…100 Lessons

This is it, my 100th Blog Entry.  A friend suggested that I write about what I learned over the past year (and a few months) when I reach this milestone.  These are the lessons I learned along the way.

1.  Some days blogging is hard.

2.  Some days blogging is easy.

3.  Writing is much different from presenting or speaking.

4.  Writer’s block stinks.

5.  Writing takes discipline.

6.  Discipline is not my favorite thing.

7.  Blogging connects you to the world.

8.  Blogs encourage other people to write.

9.  Keep reading and learning.

10.  Kids provide a lot of material.

11.  Work provides a lot of material.

12.  Life provides a lot of material.

13.  Be open about your own failures.

14.  Write about when you fail.

15.  Write about when you succeed.

16.  Remember that not everyone in the world reads your blog.

17.  Remember that not everyone in your own circles reads your blog.

18.  Try to write at least once a week.

19.  Don’t beat yourself up when you don’t write.

20.  Your followers are important.

21.  The number of followers is not important.

22.  Be vulnerable.

23.  Read other people’s blogs.

24.  When you have an idea for a blog, write it down, or make a voice recording in your phone.  If you don’t, you will forget.

25.  Find a time and place to write that doesn’t distract you.

26.  Find a great editor.

27.  My wife is a great editor.

28.  Don’t expect your editor to edit at the last-minute just because you want to get your blog posted.

29.  The titles of your blogs matter.

30.  Don’t be obsessed with checking the stats counter.

31.  Some people find your blog by accident.

32.  Some people try hard to become a blog entry.

33.  Some people are horrified at the thought of becoming a blog entry.

34.  First, do no harm.

35.  Your stories are your perspective, not absolute truth.

36.  Think.

37.  Think before you write.

38.  Read your posts before you hit the publish button.

39.  Save often.

40.  Don’t be snarky.

41.  The posts you wrestle with the most, resonate with most.

42.  Write about what you need to change in yourself.

43.  Sarcasm is not your friend.

44.  Humor works, but not at the expense of others.

45.  Suggest, don’t direct.

46.  If you get a ton of hits in one day, it is because they are looking for something or someone else.

47.  Take the risk.

48.  Be yourself.

49.  Respond to comments.

50.  This is halfway through the list of 100 Lessons.

51.  Don’t be frustrated when it doesn’t save, the next draft will be even better.

52.  Don’t place limits on yourself.

53.  Use spell check.

54.  Observe life.

55.  Follow through is important.

56.  Don’t be afraid.

57.  When you re-post something, like a Ted.com talk, some people consider that cheating.

58.  When all else fails, re-post something.

59.  When you are stuck, try a survey.

60.  Try to leave this world a better place.

61.  You are creative.

62.  Be creative.

63.  Share your gifts.

64.  Your Narrator will fight against you when you write.

65.  It is fun/scary when your kids read your blog.

66.  It is fun/scary when your parents read your blog.

67.  Helping just one person on their journey is worth it.

68.  Don’t rant.

69.  Only make a list of 100 things once (it is harder than you thought).

70.  Be humble.

71.  Set yearly goals.

72.  Be accountable.

73.  Connect with other people in real life.

74.  Don’t be upset that your most popular post was not about you.

75.  Listen to other people’s story.

76.  Sometimes great story’s will find you.

77.  Be the hero in someone’s story.

78.  Fame and importance are not the same thing.

79.  Be important.

80.  Try to be better in your actual life.

81.  Be thankful.

82.  Dream big.

83.  Brace for failure.

84.  Get back up.

85.  Remind yourself that you are okay.

86.  Remain teachable.

87.  Coffee helps…but not too much.

88.  Bounce ideas off others.

89.  Don’t take criticism too personally.

90.  Find your voice.

91.  Help others.

92.  Tell your story.

93.  Try.

94.  Try again.

95.  You will get better the more you write.

96.  You will make an impact.

97.  You cannot make an impact by keeping your thoughts inside.

98.  Don’t give up.

99.  Know yourself.

100.  Keep trying to Change the World!

The Long Hardened Road

800px-The_Long_Road_Ahead

Photo by Jon Rawlinson accessed on Wikimedia Commons

While working with a group we were discussing the stress associated with their jobs.  We discussed the role of that emotional intelligence plays in dealing with that stress, and how their glass can become cloudy.  The conversation took an interesting turn.

The cloudy glass image helped them identify their current emotional state, but did not address the larger picture.

They were on a journey.  They began their careers with hopes, dreams, and a passion to serve.  Over the years, the negative or stressful parts of their job, caused a hardness to form.  With every subsequent negative event, they would take a step down a long hardened road.

This journey was not overnight.  Each step was subtle, and not readily noticeable.  Days passed.  Weeks passed.  Years passed.  One day they found themselves becoming so hardened, so far down that road that they were was almost unrecognizable.

“How did we get so far down this road?”

“When did we become so hardened towards the job and the people?”

“How do we get back?”

The trouble with incremental steps is the difficulty noticing the change.  They never planned to go so far down that road, to become so hardened.  It was just one step.  But one step became another, and another, and another.  It wasn’t until they looked back years later that they saw the distance they had traveled.

I began to wonder.  How many times does this happen to us?  A bad event happens, and it hardens us.  Then another comes our way.  Another disappointment, another failure, another hardship.  We begin to walk down that road and the result is a hardness as our hopes and dreams fade.

Where have you walked down this road?  How can you begin to take a step back?  This group collectively agreed to find their way back.  May we all find the strength follow them.

Everything Requires a Conversation

A few days ago, I sat down with someone who began discussing a few issues that needed to be addressed in their workplace.  All were minor issues, but were getting in the way of getting goals accomplished and creating some minor disruptions or tension throughout their building.

The first issue was described in detail with a question at the end.

“What do you think I need to do about this?”

“It sounds like you need to have a conversation.”

The next issue was described, this time it was about a conflict and how another person’s work-style was causing disruption.

“What do you think I need to do about them?

“It sounds like you need to have a conversation.”

By the time we approached the third issue, it became clear that this was even more complex and involved multiple departments and people.  Again the question came.

“What do you think I need to do about this?”

But before I could answer…

“I know what you are doing to say…EVERYTHING REQUIRES A CONVERSATION!”

I paused, wrote it down on a sticky note and posted it on my computer monitor.  They were right.  Most, if not all of the conflicts and issues at home, in the office, or where you volunteer exist because people are involved.  The only way to make progress is to have a conversation.

I am not saying that these conversations are easy.  I spent a good portion of my time facilitating conversations between individuals and teams that have gone far too long without having the conversations needed to address the issues when they were small.

Take out a piece of paper and make a list of the top three conversations you should be having.  They are not always easy, but for me making a list helps keep me accountable to accomplish the task, especially when it is a difficult one.  And remember, everything requires a conversation.

We Just Need a Strong Leader

Working with teams is great.  But, I have noticed a pattern.  When there is difficulty, conflict or lack of communication an interesting pattern emerges during the various sessions.  What I hear during these sessions is consistent.

Sometimes these statements are a muttering in the back of the room, other times they are directly proclaimed for the group.

“We just need a strong leader.”

“If the [insert bosses title here] did more of [whatever topic we are discussing] we wouldn’t be in this mess.”

My personal favorite – “This is all well and good, but when will our leader apply some of these principles?”

In most cases I am there because the leader has identified the issue and wants to inspire collective solutions and buy in from the group.  Admittedly these leaders have not always lead deliberately, but the demands of their time and energy has increased, and they assumed that these teams would self-manage or self-lead through the routine of the day.

Then something interesting occurs.  The leader begins to lead, and in a strong and deliberate way.  The leader provides clear direction, communicates a larger vision, and begins to hold everyone accountable for results.  This newfound accountability eventually finds its way to those vocal critical few.  According to their earlier statements, what follows would logically be a happy embrace of this new leadership model.  Tragically, it doesn’t.

“Who does [insert leader’s name here] think they are messing with the way we have done things?”

“Can you believe that they want us to report on our activities, why don’t they just leave us alone like before?”

“Why do they keep making us go to meetings?  Why are they in our space so often?  Why are they asking so many questions?”

As the leader becomes stronger and tackles the various issues they find that the people who so clearly demanded strong leadership, are the ones who fight the hardest against it when it arrives.  Often, those vocal few are no longer there in a few years because when they said “We Just Need a Strong Leader” what they really meant was “I need someone to complain about to deflect attention from my own lack of personal leadership.”

Maybe that vocal person was right.  The organization did need stronger leadership, but you should be careful what you wish for…you just might get it.