Category: Our Words

私に好意的に見てください (Please look favorably on me)

Posted on by Carl Weber

At breakfast the other day, a close friend mentioned that a Japanese exchange student would be staying with them soon. In order to prepare for the visit, they were brushing up on their Japanese to welcome the student.

At first I thought “who brushes up on their Japanese?” but I pushed that reaction down to listen to the phrases.

The phrases began with “nice to meet you” and “I am (insert your name)” pretty standard interaction when meeting with new people.

It was the third phrase that caught my attention.

“It is a pleasure to meet you” or more literally “please look favorably on me”.

I was struck by the importance of this request: please look favorably on me. It is a simple request. Essentially be nice to me and treat me well, but for me it went a little deeper.

Please look favorably on me includes not reading into my actions and assuming negative motives. Please look favorably on me encourages others to look towards the positive and not simply pointing out my flaws or shortcomings. Please look favorably on me asks for the benefit of the doubt and a level of grace for who I am and what I do.

How many times do we connect with others for the first time, or for the hundredth time that this simple reminder would provide some helpful ground-rules for the interaction.

There are a lot of people who I have to interact with over the next few days that provides numerous opportunities to try this out.

What simple phrase would help you? How can you provide a simple request to assist you in your relationships? What are the few words that could reset the dynamics in your workplace or family?

Having the courage to utter the phrase may be hard, but the reward may be worth the risk of being vulnerable.

I will let you know how it goes…but first, please look favorably on me.

Badfriend.com

Posted on by Carl Weber

badfriend

Have you ever had that friend that just drifted away? You stopped calling. They stopped calling. Weeks pass and evolve into months. The next thing you know, years pass. When you reflect on the relationship, there were no major fights or arguments, but time creates this sort of distance between you. That distance becomes a larger and larger incentive not to pick up that phone, or send that text. Even worse, when you mount the courage to send that message, it is not returned and your efforts are in vain.

While reconnecting with a close friend recently (it had been years without calling or connecting) we talked about ways to prevent this in the future. Both of us need to commit to calling, texting or emailing each other. It makes it harder that this particular friend is 1,824 miles away so the odds of bumping into each other at the local market is pretty slight.

In order to ensure that we stay connected, we came up with an idea for a website and service for anyone who needs a little help being a better friend.

In the spirit of creating funny domain names, we called it badfriend.com (it is not a real site…yet).

Here is how it would work.

You sign up on the website and identify your friends. Your friends are either already members or you can invite them to the service. There are various levels of connection services that help remind you to send that email or text. You can initiate that conversation through the website or app, and automatic reminders are sent to remind you to connect with your friends. You would have your own email address @badfriend.com and the system would send your friends notice when you were not meeting your requirements as a friend.

If you do not connect regularly you are charged a penalty.  However, if you do connect with your friends you earn points. These points enter you into a lottery for cash prizes, similar to the experiment that VW did with speed camera in Sweden.

Relationships are not always easy. Being a good friend takes work. Imagine how amazing it would be to have a website and app managing it all for you and creating the right incentives and penalty.

Until then, it is up to us to make the decision to stay connected, pick up that phone, or send that message.

If it has been a while since you called or connected, you can always start how I initiated my conversation with this friend:

“Hi, this is Carl@badfriend.com, I am sorry for not connecting, lets start again.”

Pick one friend, the one that was once close but time has created distance. It won’t be easy, but pick a day within the next week and connect, it may just be worth it.

20,000 Views: 20,000 Thanks

Posted on by Carl Weber

20,000 visits

Today is a milestone: 20,000 views on the blog. I am blown away by this whole blogging phenomenon and how each of us can spread ideas across the globe. Blogging made me think about the printing press and how when it was introduced it created fear because it would mean anyone could print their ideas…unedited and uncontrolled. Those same detractors would never have been able to fathom the ability to spread an idea across the globe in a single click.

This milestone could not have happened without YOU! I am humbled and honored to be in this space and have people who connect with this attempt to Change the World.

Thank you to my wife and editor who puts up with my anxious “did you read/proof it yet” seconds after I send her the draft.

Thank you to my daughters who provide inspiration and material and generally put up with me. Together we have conquered fear, hikes, our first race, and you provide things to hold in my pocket when I am away.

Thank you to friends who provided ideas, thoughts, and even artwork for this blog.

Thank you to my Mom and the Navy for helping to shape and mold me.

Thank you to Talin Orfali, a Canadian writer who followed and encouraged me early on.

Thank you to the people from over 139 countries who recently visited. Most of you were looking for something else, but it is flattering.

Thank you for everyone who was looking for a trophy cup image or sporting cup event, but found the cup post by accident. (Search “Trophy Cup” on Google Images)

Most of all Thank YOU for reading, encouraging, and helping me develop some thoughts around helping to Change the World.

Who knows, it just may work.

Support

Posted on by Carl Weber

Support

Support takes many forms. Support can be listening to a friend, or coworker. Support can be making a meal, or remembering to call. Support can be a random text that reminds another person that you are there and thinking of them.

Support is being the kind of boss that remembers that people have lives outside of work. Support is the parent that encourages, even when things are tough. Support is helping people stretch, especially when they are afraid. Support is help picking up the pieces when it goes wrong.

Lending a hand. Helping others. We all need support. We all provide support.

In the long run, support must be in balance in our lives. We are receiving support while providing support to others. Many times this balance is disrupted. Either we are receiving a disproportional share, or providing the increased support. In the short-term, this one-sided equation is acceptable. Perhaps an event required this unequal ledger (loss of a loved one, job, or relationship). Righting that balance requires us to understand the role of support in our lives.

Sometimes you find yourself in a support deficit, that place where you have been providing support without reciprocation. The support deficit can be draining, and may be a sign that you need to set some boundaries with those around you. It may signal that you need to speak up.

What support are you providing? What support are you receiving? Are you remembering to give as you receive? Is there that friend who calls, but you do not initiate calls? Call them.  Is there someone coaching you and encouraging you? Reach out to them, but not just because you have a need.

Use your own need as a measure of how you could be providing support to others.

Need encouragement? Encourage. Need a friend? Be one. Need help? Be helpful.

You can do it. Together we can change the world.

HALT or you may regret the outcome

Posted on by Carl Weber

About half way through a session with senior leaders on how emotional intelligence impacts the work place, I had to admit that the prior day I failed miserably at it myself. Emotional intelligence is the ability to identify, assess, and control your own emotions, while being able to empathize and work with others and their emotional state.

The discussion traveled toward finding ways to slow the world down, and understand your own emotional situation. We talked about identifying certain negative emotional triggers, or those events, people, or activities that can hijack you and cause you to react instead of respond to those around you.

One leader spoke up about a technique that served them well during their career. This technique was a simple way that a mentor encouraged them to think about their emotional state, before the term emotional intelligence was in the mainstream.

One simple word: HALT

HALT stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. When you feel yourself getting emotionally charged, you are supposed to stop (the word HALT helps you remember that part) and ask yourself if any of these attributes are true.

Am I hungry? Am I angry? Am I lonely? Am I tired?

These four states are not exclusive and more than one can be true at the same time. The mentor compared these four to an engine: one with four cylinders. If all four are in a good state, the engine (our emotional state) runs smooth and without issues. If one cylinder becomes disabled, the engine starts to run pretty rough, but it may still get us there. If two or more are disabled, it is time to shut the car off and seek help.

For me, about two and a half cylinders were disabled at the time when I interacted with a few people in my circle. I was angry (my primary emotion), tired, and little lonely. The HALT approach would have helped me identify some of the primary causes of the hijacked emotional state. My emotional glass was cloudy, and it spilled out on those around me.

Of the four parts of HALT, lonely was the one state that at first felt strange to consider until I unpacked it a little. It is easy for me to identify when I am hungry, angry or even tired. Identifying the lonely that proved most valuable. Most days I am surrounded by people, but do not have time to connect deeply. Connecting with others becomes even harder as I pack more and more events into work and life, but the lonely remains.

HALT helped me as an “after-the-fact” diagnosis of what happened, and the new goal is to use it prior or during the next stressful event.  I hope it provides you with some insight into your world and your relationships.

After apologizing and trying to own my emotional state, I went and had breakfast with a close friend. With the lonely cylinder repaired, the engine is beginning to run smoothly again.

The “I’ll be right there” people

Posted on by Carl Weber

Recently I noticed an interesting group of people. These people interact with those around them in a noticeably different way. These people differ in a lot of ways. Some of them are in business or sales, some provide a service, others are just friends to others.

They have one distinct common characteristic: they are “I’ll be right there” people.

“I’ll be right there” people are people who understand the larger relationships at stake, no matter what their role. “I’ll be right there” people answer the call for help or service to meet a need. “I’ll be right there” people help others despite their job description or their pay scale. “I’ll be right there” people are not put off at your request, they see it as an opportunity to connect with you instead.

Imagine the result when your clients consider you an “I’ll be right there” consultant.

Imagine the result when your customers consider you an “I’ll be right there” salesperson.

Imagine the result when your employees consider you an “I’ll be right there” boss.

Imagine the result when your communities consider you an “I’ll be right there” citizen.

Imagine the result when your kids consider you an “I’ll be right there” parent.

Imagine the result when your friends consider you and “I’ll be right there” friend.

Today, instead of just imagining what it would be like, listen for the next request and simply reply…“I’ll be right there.”