Category: Our Behaviors

An Online Game to Change Your Life

Posted on by Carl Weber

I had the privilege of watching Jane McGonical speak at a conference.  She is a game designer who is on a quest to make our reality more like a game, with quests and “epic wins” that are celebrated together.  When I saw her name on Ted.com’s front page yesterday, I was compelled to watch her again.  This time a much more vulnerable Jane gave a moving talk about her own struggle dealing with a severe concussion that left her bedridden and suicidal.

True to her belief that games can be harnessed to change our world, she created a game to help herself, and all of us with the things we struggle with, or need to overcome.  The game is called Superbetter, and can be found at www.superbetter.com.  We have discussed here a few times the power of setting goals, and Jane takes this to a whole new level by making it more like a heroic quest, that harnesses our allies, encourages us daily and finds very creative ways to assist us in our journey.

Take the first step.  Watch Jane’s Ted.com talk, or if nothing else, watch the intro video on her website at Superbetter.  You goal may not be a dramatic as Jane’s was, and may be about losing weight, becoming more healthy, or lowering your stress level.  Whatever the goal, the site has tools to help you accomplish this and create resilience to help you in your life.  I was moved and signed up for my own quest right away.

To Jane, thanks for being vulnerable and for creating a tool to help us find our way out of whatever we struggle with…whatever holds us back.  Maybe together we really can change the world.

Thanks for the Pool…

Posted on by Carl Weber

Thanks for the PoolThis week was Hot!

At one point the little temperature gauge in my car read 103 degrees.  At the height of the heat I got a quick text from my wife.  It read,

“The pool is so awesome.  Thank you so much for getting it and putting it up.”

The day came to a close and as I walked out to my car after a long day at work.  I walked beside another person and mentioned that I got a thank you from my spouse about setting up the pool.  What I heard back caught me a little off guard.

“I sent a thank you to my spouse as well for putting the air conditioners in the windows…and they are still sitting in the basement and not installed.”

I felt the need to clarify.

“No, it was a real thank you because they appreciate the pool on such a hot day.  It was not a sarcastic thank you.”

The person looked confused and only replied with a puzzled, “oh” and got in their car and drove off.  I thought to myself, “Wow, this person thought my spouse was being critical of me and was joining in about their spouse.”

This reminded me of how often I hear other people criticizing their spouses or significant others, their friends, and even this kids in front of others.  I grew up around a lot of people who would do this, and it has taken a lot of effort to not follow in that path.

Why do we feel so compelled to express such dissatisfaction with others?  What makes matters worse is how often I hear it happen in front of the person being criticized.

“He is just not that handy around the house, and we have to pay a lot to get simple things done around our house.”

“She is not great at managing the day-to-day, so I have to step in a lot.”

“They are not that sharp, and I don’t know how they are going to make it after highschool.”

I am heading to a party with a lot of couples and their kids this afternoon, and I am going to count how many times I hear this happening (maybe it could someday be a kind of a sad bingo game for parties).  For the next week or so, take the time to listen for it, you may be amazed at how often this occurs.  When you hear it happening, have the courage to step in and provide an encouraging word or re-direct the conversation.    And if you catch yourself doing it…Stop it. 

The List, the Life, and the Legacy

Posted on by Carl Weber

The List

Today is the first time I am removing someone from my subscription list.  Why am I telling you?  It is important to the story.  The removal is not for anything they said, or anything they did.  Removing them is more of a painful housekeeping process because they passed away this week.  It seems like the right thing to do, so these posts are not just one more detail or item to be dealt with by the family.

The Life

I have a friend who is currently writing a book called What Will They Say?, about the lessons learned by attending funerals of 30 strangers.  Over the past year I have attended a few funerals/life celebrations and yesterday marked another.  During these events, I find myself sitting there amazed at what you learn when people talk about those who have passed, and wondering how to apply some of the lessons you learn from others’ lives.

Yesterday was no exception.  I learned about generosity combined with grace.  I learned about a person who led in all aspects of life with a quiet perseverance that impacted many of those around them.  I learned that despite being taught to take the safe route and to avoid disappointments in life by not dreaming, this person went to college, started businesses and the packed service was a testament to someone who impacted many.

The Legacy

Their passing was not a complete surprise, some illnesses are not swift and take us over a period of years.  Because of this, there was some preparation for the recent events including the passing of the company to one of the children.  A month or so ago, while celebrating the transfer of a business it became clear that the end was near and the night included celebrating the contributions and impact of this life.  Unlike yesterday, they were still with us.

This event had a greater impact on me than imagined as I watched a business person, spouse, parent, and friend pass down a legacy to each group.  I witnessed the gracious generosity of a less celebrated form of leader: one who is gentle, cares deeply, and does the right thing. 

I will be taking them off the list today and it is harder than I thought.  Perhaps that is part of my own grieving process to write about this, and challenge myself to live differently today.  We don’t always know the impact we have on others (for good for bad) and while reflecting I wonder if this person knew how much impact they were having on me.  Their impact on me was subtle, but there is something to be said about the impact of a life well lived.  Maybe that was the best lesson of all.

But I am not that way with YOU!

Posted on by Carl Weber

What we say matters.  How we interact with others matters.  Lately there has been a pattern in many conversations that almost went unnoticed until someone close to me pointed it out.  I call this pattern the unintentional high standard.

A quick definition is in order.  The unintentional high standard is when someone describes their expectation of something or someone else then proceeds to discuss how that other person or thing is not meeting that standard.  This can be in the form of a rant, complaint, or sometimes a tirade.

“I cannot believe that [insert name here] has not called me more often.  I feel like this relationship is one-sided.”

“Did you see the dish they brought to the party, did they even try?”

“I cannot believe [insert spouse or significant other here] wasn’t more [pick one: caring, compassionate, understanding, loving, excited, interested, engaged] about [insert topic here].”

At some point in one of these interactions while you are simply the bystander or listener, you begin to wonder how often this person says the same things about you to others.  If they are holding up this standard for others, even if unintentional, they must be holding this standard against you too.  Maybe you even dare to ask.

“So, is this the way you feel about me?  When I don’t call as often, or brought that crappy side dish to the party?”

“No, I am just ranting, but I am not that way with You!”

Really?  Are you the one exception to this high standard?  Do you get a pass that the rest of the universe doesn’t receive?  And how does it feel to be around someone who is always pointing out where others are not meeting the mark?

For the next week or so, spend a little time listening and see how often we all create these unintentional high standards.  Maybe we should do a little less ranting and a little less complaining.  I pointed this out to someone recently, and the saddest part was they didn’t even realize they were doing it.

Are you always the Good Guy/Girl?

Posted on by Carl Weber

I was listening to a speaker the other day with some friends.  During one part of the speaker’s message a friend leaned over to me and said,

“The trouble is, we all think we are the good guys.”

The more I reflected on those words, the more profound they became.  Being “the good guy (or girl)” has a huge impact on our perspective, our narrative, and our story.  Over the next few weeks I listened to those around me with this new frame of reference.  What I heard confirmed this theory.

When my kids argued and sought fatherly judicial proceedings, each child described the wrongs committed.  Each child described a scenario where they were clearly the “good one” and the other sibling was “bad.”

I heard spouses, friends, and family members describe various issues.  Again and again the common theme was they were “good” and others were “bad.”  The story-tellers seemed completely unaware of how they were describing the other person.  Then, I listened to my own words.  If I was offended or had some problem, clearly I was the “good guy” only leaving one option for the other party.

Breaking away from this self-centered mindset is not easy.  Becoming aware and changing a pattern of behavior can be worlds apart.  For the next few weeks I am going to try by asking a simple question.

“What if I am not the good guy?”

Maybe something so simple will shake the foundation of our self-centeredness.

To my friend who leaned over and said that simple phrase: thanks for the game-changer.  It will certainly help us on the way to changing the (our) world.

What did you want to be when you were a kid?

Posted on by Carl Weber

I was meeting with someone the other day who is moving away and making some life changes because their spouse’s job requires it.  During our meeting, we discussed careers and how the recent changes were about to create a real directional shift.  What started as a series of questions regarding their current field took an interesting turn.

 “Are you going to try to find a job in your field?”

“I am not sure, I have been doing this for a while.”

“Well, what did you want to be when you were a kid?”

It is a pretty simple question, but a stunned silence filled the next few moments.  Their face said it all.  There was something deep down that had been with them since their youth, but had not been uttered in years.

“I wanted to be an Egyptologist.”

The remainder of our time together included trying to figure out just exactly how an elementary kid even knew that that job existed.  We tried to determine how long this job idea continued.  It appears to have continued through the beginning of high school.  But reality set in later in school, and the pursuit of more concrete and practical jobs prevailed.  I could see by the spark and enthusiasm that came alive at the mention of this forgotten dream that it still held some power.

“So, where you are going, do they have a good museum?” I asked.

“Yes, yes they do.  Maybe I can try to get a job with them, or at the very least, volunteer some time.”

“Great idea.”

What did YOU want to be when you were a kid?  A pilot, an astronaut, a teacher, a writer, a baker, a dancer, an artist, a hero…an Egyptologist?  It is not too late to reach towards the dream of your youth.  Maybe just remembering will provide the spark you need to try something new.  Go ahead, the world is waiting for you.