Tag: Your Style

Bringing the Cup Home

Posted on by Carl Weber

Typically, “bringing the cup home” is a good thing.  Unfortunately, not all awards are for positive achievement.

There are a few friends that I talk to regularly, usually while driving to work in the morning.  These morning calls have become a way to connect with each other, but they serve another purpose: determining who brought the cup home that week.

This is no ordinary cup.  This cup signifies personal failure either with our wives, our kids, or at work.  I won’t tell you what we actual call this cup, but think of a good term for when someone is not at their best or kind of a jerk and you will be on the right track.

Our conversations can be pretty funny.

“So, get this.  I came home from work and within 2 minutes yelled at the kids.”

“During an argument I said she was a lot like her mother.”

“While in a meeting today, I came across like a total jerk when I tried to convey my position.  It was definitely a CLM (career limiting move).”

Why do we do this?  It is not that we are proud of these failures.  As I said, no one wants this cup at their house.  The reason we talk about these shortcomings is to get them out into the open, discover the cause, and try to grow and develop past these issues.  The ability to be transparent about who you really are is a great first step.  Speaking out these failures provides a level of accountability that helps us remember to think before we speak, to be more patient, and not excuse away our behaviors.

How often do you bring the cup home?  Where do you fail?  Do you have someone or a few someones to talk through these issues?  If not, perhaps today is a good place to start.  These conversations certainly helped us grow, and created the kind of friendships that run deep.  We all need the kind of friends who are not afraid to speak the truth when we bring the cup home.

By the way, we are looking for suggestions or ideas to build an actual cup that could be passed from house to house.  But it should be hideous enough that no one would actually want it in their home.

But I am not that way with YOU!

Posted on by Carl Weber

What we say matters.  How we interact with others matters.  Lately there has been a pattern in many conversations that almost went unnoticed until someone close to me pointed it out.  I call this pattern the unintentional high standard.

A quick definition is in order.  The unintentional high standard is when someone describes their expectation of something or someone else then proceeds to discuss how that other person or thing is not meeting that standard.  This can be in the form of a rant, complaint, or sometimes a tirade.

“I cannot believe that [insert name here] has not called me more often.  I feel like this relationship is one-sided.”

“Did you see the dish they brought to the party, did they even try?”

“I cannot believe [insert spouse or significant other here] wasn’t more [pick one: caring, compassionate, understanding, loving, excited, interested, engaged] about [insert topic here].”

At some point in one of these interactions while you are simply the bystander or listener, you begin to wonder how often this person says the same things about you to others.  If they are holding up this standard for others, even if unintentional, they must be holding this standard against you too.  Maybe you even dare to ask.

“So, is this the way you feel about me?  When I don’t call as often, or brought that crappy side dish to the party?”

“No, I am just ranting, but I am not that way with You!”

Really?  Are you the one exception to this high standard?  Do you get a pass that the rest of the universe doesn’t receive?  And how does it feel to be around someone who is always pointing out where others are not meeting the mark?

For the next week or so, spend a little time listening and see how often we all create these unintentional high standards.  Maybe we should do a little less ranting and a little less complaining.  I pointed this out to someone recently, and the saddest part was they didn’t even realize they were doing it.

Are you always the Good Guy/Girl?

Posted on by Carl Weber

I was listening to a speaker the other day with some friends.  During one part of the speaker’s message a friend leaned over to me and said,

“The trouble is, we all think we are the good guys.”

The more I reflected on those words, the more profound they became.  Being “the good guy (or girl)” has a huge impact on our perspective, our narrative, and our story.  Over the next few weeks I listened to those around me with this new frame of reference.  What I heard confirmed this theory.

When my kids argued and sought fatherly judicial proceedings, each child described the wrongs committed.  Each child described a scenario where they were clearly the “good one” and the other sibling was “bad.”

I heard spouses, friends, and family members describe various issues.  Again and again the common theme was they were “good” and others were “bad.”  The story-tellers seemed completely unaware of how they were describing the other person.  Then, I listened to my own words.  If I was offended or had some problem, clearly I was the “good guy” only leaving one option for the other party.

Breaking away from this self-centered mindset is not easy.  Becoming aware and changing a pattern of behavior can be worlds apart.  For the next few weeks I am going to try by asking a simple question.

“What if I am not the good guy?”

Maybe something so simple will shake the foundation of our self-centeredness.

To my friend who leaned over and said that simple phrase: thanks for the game-changer.  It will certainly help us on the way to changing the (our) world.

Learning to Say NO!

Posted on by Carl Weber

(Image Courtesy of Sharon Young: Thanks Sharon!)

Learning to say “No” is not always easy.  People ask us to agree to things all the time.

“Will you help out on this committee?”

“Can we get together soon?”

“Will you watch my kids, paint my house, be my friend, volunteer your time, follow me and my cause, buy crap from my kids (well you get the idea).”

I am beginning to hear what I call the “soft yes” in response to these multiple requests. The “soft yes” isn’t really a yes, it is a “no” veiled in terms that are our attempt to politely decline, but we don’t feel comfortable saying it.  I find myself doing this at times and recently this is what I am hearing:

“I guess I can.”

“If I have to.”

“Maybe…”

“Okay.”

How many times have you agreed to something where your heart really wasn’t into it, and you would have preferred to say “no”?  In striking a balance between your life, your work, your family, and just being you, there will be things you need to say no to.  You cannot be all things to all people, and the over-committed life is not a pleasant one (for you or for those around you).

Where do we start?  In his book, Magnificent Mind at Any Age, Dr. Daniel Amen states that the inability to say no (or impulsively say yes) creates an overwhelmed state where you become immersed with other people’s priorities that distract you from your own goals. He offers us a way to reply and encourages us to learn the following phrase when someone asks us to do something:

“I need to think about it.  If I want to do it, I will get back to you.”

Wow.  Simple yet effective.  That one phrase may help bring needed balance to your life. Be prepared, if you have been on “automatic yes” or “soft no” and still agreeing in the end, this may feel strange to those around you.  It is funny, just recently I realized how much I have been giving a “soft no” to someone who has been trying to get together with me, but the truth is I should have just said no instead of stringing them along and rescheduling the meeting.

Try it out, let me know how it works.  This may bring some needed balance to your life, and let you find yourself, not just serve others.  Use it well, and let me know how it goes.  I have a hard phone call to make, but it would have been easier if I had used this phrase in the beginning.

“The art of leadership is saying no, not yes.  It is very easy to say yes.”  Tony Blair

Reluctant Leadership

Posted on by Carl Weber

Working with people can be a lot of fun.  Either in groups, or one on one, being able to help people discover themselves and their style is very rewarding.  The reward comes from knowing that their personal, professional or leadership journey is progressing and moving forward.  In some small way, you were there providing advice, suggesting a course of action, or just offering the encouragement they needed to do what they know needed to be done long before you arrived.

Lately there has been a notable trend: Reluctant Leadership.

Granted, some behavioral styles and inner motivations are more “natural” leaders.  Other styles are more prone to support others or take the second or third chair.  But this pattern of reluctance lately has even included people who would normally be wired to lead, and lead well.  Where is this reluctance coming from?

Not wanting to lead appears to go deeper than just behavioral style and opportunity.  This reluctance is a murky swamp of reasons more profound that I originally realized.  When talking with some of these individuals, the list has included guilt, shame, fear, doubt and the list goes on and on.  You can hear their Narrators shouting when you interact with them, providing the reasons not to lead.  It is almost as if someone or something knew the need for leadership and preemptively attacked them so they would not, or could not lead.

Are some leaders bad?  Yes.  Have you tried to lead and were unsuccessful? Maybe. Should you stop trying?  NO!  Leading others is messy, hard, tiring, and amazing at the same time.  People need you.  They need you to step up and lead despite your fears, doubt or whatever that reason is that keeps you on the bench and out of the game.

The more I read epic stories (the kind that last for generations) most have a reluctant leader who transforms into the Hero, despite their self-limiting perspective and doubt.  We all identify with that reluctance and fear, and the corresponding hope that they will be successful in the end.  Maybe those authors over the ages have been trying to remind us of something: the best heroes are those who led despite reluctance.

All styles can lead.  All styles can lead well.  In some cases, we have over-glorified the strong dominant leadership style making others feel as if they cannot lead.  Some of the best leaders are those who encourage others, mend prior wounds, and help others become great.

Ironically, in most of the classic stories, the reluctant leaders are the “good guys” and those who we typically would associated with type A commanding leadership styles are the “bad guys.”  Maybe those authors were trying to tell us something.