Category: Relationships

They

Posted on by Carl Weber

At times, our busy schedules, full plates, and drive to get things done can become excuses or justification for our lack of intentional communication.  Over time, how we communicate with others is more of a habit and we give it little thought or consideration.

The other day, while working with a group I heard some interesting dialogue.

“If they would just understand what needs to be done here without complaining, it would be just fine.”

“They always micromanage us and do not understand how much we have to accomplish.”

“They are just difficult and this is not a democracy, they need to do their jobs.”

“They never listen.”

“They.”  In each case, both groups were placing blame onto the other.  Over and over during the session I heard this term “they.”  It would be comical if it wasn’t sad.  There was no “I” or “We.”  Replacing “They” with these terms reveals part of the problem.  It is much easier to describe how others need to change, or what they do wrong, versus taking ownership of what I or We do not do well.

When you find yourself blaming “They” perhaps it is time to check out that mirror on the wall.  Imagine the progress any team, relationship, or workplace could make by taking ownership for their own actions first.

I Remember When…

Posted on by Carl Weber

The other day I spent about an hour in the pool with my youngest daughter.  After a dizzying session of whirlpool creation, we began talk.  We talked about the squirrel trap she created.  How those little guys stole all of the almonds she scattered across the driveway, but none of the blueberries were harmed.

At some point I thought of about how amazing it was to be having this conversation with this little person.  My thoughts drifted to all of the memories of her growing up and I started to share some of that with her in the way that my wife and I sometimes share with each other.  We call it “I remember when…”

I remember when you were born.

I remember when you used to be afraid of the deeper pool.

I remember when I first saw you climb our tree like a monkey.

Then it dawned on me to alter it a little and begin to ask questions instead.

Do you remember when…

Do you remember when you were born?  No, but I remember the pictures.  Did I really have all that dark hair?  Yes.

Do you remember when we collected rocks at the beach?  Yes.  But mostly, I liked throwing them in the water.

The questions helped, and eventually she didn’t need prompting and it began to flow.

I remember when I was little and played with a pink basket in your room.

I remember when I first went to school.

I remember when my older sisters came home from college and I cried, because I missed them.

Today, what do you remember?  Take a few moments and reflect and share a few with us, or someone close to you.  Try this out with people you know and ask them what they remember.

Thanks for the Pool…

Posted on by Carl Weber

Thanks for the PoolThis week was Hot!

At one point the little temperature gauge in my car read 103 degrees.  At the height of the heat I got a quick text from my wife.  It read,

“The pool is so awesome.  Thank you so much for getting it and putting it up.”

The day came to a close and as I walked out to my car after a long day at work.  I walked beside another person and mentioned that I got a thank you from my spouse about setting up the pool.  What I heard back caught me a little off guard.

“I sent a thank you to my spouse as well for putting the air conditioners in the windows…and they are still sitting in the basement and not installed.”

I felt the need to clarify.

“No, it was a real thank you because they appreciate the pool on such a hot day.  It was not a sarcastic thank you.”

The person looked confused and only replied with a puzzled, “oh” and got in their car and drove off.  I thought to myself, “Wow, this person thought my spouse was being critical of me and was joining in about their spouse.”

This reminded me of how often I hear other people criticizing their spouses or significant others, their friends, and even this kids in front of others.  I grew up around a lot of people who would do this, and it has taken a lot of effort to not follow in that path.

Why do we feel so compelled to express such dissatisfaction with others?  What makes matters worse is how often I hear it happen in front of the person being criticized.

“He is just not that handy around the house, and we have to pay a lot to get simple things done around our house.”

“She is not great at managing the day-to-day, so I have to step in a lot.”

“They are not that sharp, and I don’t know how they are going to make it after highschool.”

I am heading to a party with a lot of couples and their kids this afternoon, and I am going to count how many times I hear this happening (maybe it could someday be a kind of a sad bingo game for parties).  For the next week or so, take the time to listen for it, you may be amazed at how often this occurs.  When you hear it happening, have the courage to step in and provide an encouraging word or re-direct the conversation.    And if you catch yourself doing it…Stop it. 

The List, the Life, and the Legacy

Posted on by Carl Weber

The List

Today is the first time I am removing someone from my subscription list.  Why am I telling you?  It is important to the story.  The removal is not for anything they said, or anything they did.  Removing them is more of a painful housekeeping process because they passed away this week.  It seems like the right thing to do, so these posts are not just one more detail or item to be dealt with by the family.

The Life

I have a friend who is currently writing a book called What Will They Say?, about the lessons learned by attending funerals of 30 strangers.  Over the past year I have attended a few funerals/life celebrations and yesterday marked another.  During these events, I find myself sitting there amazed at what you learn when people talk about those who have passed, and wondering how to apply some of the lessons you learn from others’ lives.

Yesterday was no exception.  I learned about generosity combined with grace.  I learned about a person who led in all aspects of life with a quiet perseverance that impacted many of those around them.  I learned that despite being taught to take the safe route and to avoid disappointments in life by not dreaming, this person went to college, started businesses and the packed service was a testament to someone who impacted many.

The Legacy

Their passing was not a complete surprise, some illnesses are not swift and take us over a period of years.  Because of this, there was some preparation for the recent events including the passing of the company to one of the children.  A month or so ago, while celebrating the transfer of a business it became clear that the end was near and the night included celebrating the contributions and impact of this life.  Unlike yesterday, they were still with us.

This event had a greater impact on me than imagined as I watched a business person, spouse, parent, and friend pass down a legacy to each group.  I witnessed the gracious generosity of a less celebrated form of leader: one who is gentle, cares deeply, and does the right thing. 

I will be taking them off the list today and it is harder than I thought.  Perhaps that is part of my own grieving process to write about this, and challenge myself to live differently today.  We don’t always know the impact we have on others (for good for bad) and while reflecting I wonder if this person knew how much impact they were having on me.  Their impact on me was subtle, but there is something to be said about the impact of a life well lived.  Maybe that was the best lesson of all.

Bringing the Cup Home

Posted on by Carl Weber

Typically, “bringing the cup home” is a good thing.  Unfortunately, not all awards are for positive achievement.

There are a few friends that I talk to regularly, usually while driving to work in the morning.  These morning calls have become a way to connect with each other, but they serve another purpose: determining who brought the cup home that week.

This is no ordinary cup.  This cup signifies personal failure either with our wives, our kids, or at work.  I won’t tell you what we actual call this cup, but think of a good term for when someone is not at their best or kind of a jerk and you will be on the right track.

Our conversations can be pretty funny.

“So, get this.  I came home from work and within 2 minutes yelled at the kids.”

“During an argument I said she was a lot like her mother.”

“While in a meeting today, I came across like a total jerk when I tried to convey my position.  It was definitely a CLM (career limiting move).”

Why do we do this?  It is not that we are proud of these failures.  As I said, no one wants this cup at their house.  The reason we talk about these shortcomings is to get them out into the open, discover the cause, and try to grow and develop past these issues.  The ability to be transparent about who you really are is a great first step.  Speaking out these failures provides a level of accountability that helps us remember to think before we speak, to be more patient, and not excuse away our behaviors.

How often do you bring the cup home?  Where do you fail?  Do you have someone or a few someones to talk through these issues?  If not, perhaps today is a good place to start.  These conversations certainly helped us grow, and created the kind of friendships that run deep.  We all need the kind of friends who are not afraid to speak the truth when we bring the cup home.

By the way, we are looking for suggestions or ideas to build an actual cup that could be passed from house to house.  But it should be hideous enough that no one would actually want it in their home.

But I am not that way with YOU!

Posted on by Carl Weber

What we say matters.  How we interact with others matters.  Lately there has been a pattern in many conversations that almost went unnoticed until someone close to me pointed it out.  I call this pattern the unintentional high standard.

A quick definition is in order.  The unintentional high standard is when someone describes their expectation of something or someone else then proceeds to discuss how that other person or thing is not meeting that standard.  This can be in the form of a rant, complaint, or sometimes a tirade.

“I cannot believe that [insert name here] has not called me more often.  I feel like this relationship is one-sided.”

“Did you see the dish they brought to the party, did they even try?”

“I cannot believe [insert spouse or significant other here] wasn’t more [pick one: caring, compassionate, understanding, loving, excited, interested, engaged] about [insert topic here].”

At some point in one of these interactions while you are simply the bystander or listener, you begin to wonder how often this person says the same things about you to others.  If they are holding up this standard for others, even if unintentional, they must be holding this standard against you too.  Maybe you even dare to ask.

“So, is this the way you feel about me?  When I don’t call as often, or brought that crappy side dish to the party?”

“No, I am just ranting, but I am not that way with You!”

Really?  Are you the one exception to this high standard?  Do you get a pass that the rest of the universe doesn’t receive?  And how does it feel to be around someone who is always pointing out where others are not meeting the mark?

For the next week or so, spend a little time listening and see how often we all create these unintentional high standards.  Maybe we should do a little less ranting and a little less complaining.  I pointed this out to someone recently, and the saddest part was they didn’t even realize they were doing it.