18,181 days today.
18,181 days of breathing, moving, and living in this body.
I have an interesting relationship with this body. I ask a lot from it. I don’t always like it. It is not perfect. I make it run for long periods of time. I keep pushing it to give more, even when it is tired.
But lately we have been at odds with each other.
A few months ago, it let me down.
Yes, I know there are no bad runs, but recently there was a series of not great runs. A few times I had to stop, even during a race.
I began to doubt.
Words began to build up against my body.
Maybe you won’t be able to keep going.
Maybe this is what happens at “a certain age.”
Maybe I pushed you too far and we are winding down.
The words created distance between the two of us.
I could feel the distance, the disappointment, the disapproval.
Yesterday was a long run. I was nervous, and so was my body. We had a rough few weeks. We needed something to change.
So, I took the first step. I looked at the run history on my app and reminded my body of how many miles we ran. I reminded my body that we have run longer and in some of the most extreme weather. I reminded my body that it can do hard things. I reminded my body that I was not mad at it for the past few months.
Then something shifted. Everything felt lighter.
The run was not easy, but we kept going. Slow at first, building and finding our stride.
Then something happened about 2/3rd into the run. I actually heard my body speak. Softly at first, so soft that I almost dismissed it. But my body kept speaking until I could hear it.
“Thank you for believing in me.”
Even as I type these words a wave of emotion passes over me as it did while running.
I had replaced the frustration, the doubt, and the disappointment with belief. And my body responded. I was no longer fighting against it, but working with and encouraging it.
Since this moment I started to wonder how I can continue to show this belief internally, but also externally to those around me? Instead of frustration, doubt, and disappointment they may need belief from me as well.
So maybe, just maybe, it won’t just be my body who says, “Thank you for believing in me.”