Category: Knowing Yourself

The “My Way” Blind Spot

Posted on by Carl Weber

We all have blind spots.  You have them, I have them, we all have them.  The hardest part about blind spots is that we do not see them.  I suppose that is why we call them “blind spots.”  When this happens while driving, another car can essentially disappear from view, yet be right beside us. If we turn or change lanes, the damage will be immediate and severe.

When our blind spots are personal, the damage is no less great, but they can occur gradually…almost without our notice.  Until we discover our personal blind spots (typically because someone else points them out) we tend to just plug along not realizing the damage we are causing by this inherent flaw in our perspective.

Recently I discovered that I suffer from the “My Way” blind spot.  This was reluctantly pointed out to me by my team after I wanted a project to be done a certain way.  The banter between them went something like this…

“You mean you wanted it done the “Carl Weber Way?”

“Yeah, it is like Carlito’s Way, only with less violence.”

“Most of the time when you assign a project we will end up doing it your way in the end, even if we have other ideas.”

I was stunned.  I resisted the natural urge to defend myself and just listened.  Arguing about your blind spot is as foolish as turning your car into that crowded lane because you just know there is no car there…while hearing the crash.  Instead I listened.  I really listened.  It became clear that the “My Way” blind spot was real and having an impact on others.  My tendency to delegate without freedom created tension and a lack of trust.  Over time, this can create followers who feel unable to be creative or do things their own way.

Identifying the blind spot was the first step.  The next, and much harder step, is trying to figure out how to change a pattern of behavior that I didn’t know existed.  It will not be easy, but leading well never is.  I will have to check those mirrors a little more often before changing lanes.

What is your blind spot?  Where are you speeding along without seeing what is right beside you?  Are you causing unaware damage?

My advice today is simple: Listen and look.  But be prepared to deal with what you find.

When Dreams Don’t Work Out

Posted on by Carl Weber

Let’s face it, not all of our dreams work out.  We set goals, we have a vision of the future and something derails, delays, or simply denies it from happening.  What do we do in the face of this failure?

I suppose we have a choice to make.  We can choose to pick up the pieces, see what we could have done better (maybe), and start to aim towards another dream or goal.  Or, we can become tainted, cynical, and hardened.  Yes, those seem like two extreme views, but by not consciously picking the first, we tend to end up in the second even if we do not realize it.

Life can at times be harder than we imagined.  When I think about life, there are way more long-periods of monotony with brief moments of excitement (good or bad).  What seems to break up the daily routine of life is a dream.  The strange little hope that you can make a difference, do something great, and alter your story and the stories of those around you.

So the next time that dream starts to become just a faded light in the rear-view mirror, stop looking back, look forward and find the next dream…and the next…and the next. Make the choice, and don’t let the hardening of disappointment in…dream instead. 

Learning to Say NO!

Posted on by Carl Weber

(Image Courtesy of Sharon Young: Thanks Sharon!)

Learning to say “No” is not always easy.  People ask us to agree to things all the time.

“Will you help out on this committee?”

“Can we get together soon?”

“Will you watch my kids, paint my house, be my friend, volunteer your time, follow me and my cause, buy crap from my kids (well you get the idea).”

I am beginning to hear what I call the “soft yes” in response to these multiple requests. The “soft yes” isn’t really a yes, it is a “no” veiled in terms that are our attempt to politely decline, but we don’t feel comfortable saying it.  I find myself doing this at times and recently this is what I am hearing:

“I guess I can.”

“If I have to.”

“Maybe…”

“Okay.”

How many times have you agreed to something where your heart really wasn’t into it, and you would have preferred to say “no”?  In striking a balance between your life, your work, your family, and just being you, there will be things you need to say no to.  You cannot be all things to all people, and the over-committed life is not a pleasant one (for you or for those around you).

Where do we start?  In his book, Magnificent Mind at Any Age, Dr. Daniel Amen states that the inability to say no (or impulsively say yes) creates an overwhelmed state where you become immersed with other people’s priorities that distract you from your own goals. He offers us a way to reply and encourages us to learn the following phrase when someone asks us to do something:

“I need to think about it.  If I want to do it, I will get back to you.”

Wow.  Simple yet effective.  That one phrase may help bring needed balance to your life. Be prepared, if you have been on “automatic yes” or “soft no” and still agreeing in the end, this may feel strange to those around you.  It is funny, just recently I realized how much I have been giving a “soft no” to someone who has been trying to get together with me, but the truth is I should have just said no instead of stringing them along and rescheduling the meeting.

Try it out, let me know how it works.  This may bring some needed balance to your life, and let you find yourself, not just serve others.  Use it well, and let me know how it goes.  I have a hard phone call to make, but it would have been easier if I had used this phrase in the beginning.

“The art of leadership is saying no, not yes.  It is very easy to say yes.”  Tony Blair

Maybe Your Boss Is Right?

Posted on by Carl Weber

Okay, okay, bear with me on this one.  I was listening to a friend talk about not railing against your boss, your employer, your job or your organization.  The message really resonated with me and I realized how often we hear this in everyday conversations. Are there bad bosses?  Yes, they made a movie about that.  Are there bad jobs?  Again, yes.  Is the boss always wrong?  Maybe not.

The benefit of working with so many individuals across various workplaces is themes begin to appear.  This theme or sentiment seems pretty ingrained with a lot of us.  A while ago while working with a leader, they described that the real conflict was with their boss. The lack of trust, and second guessing that their boss did made the situation impossible for this leader to function.

The more we talked, the more I asked questions about what was actually happening in this leader’s workplace.  Towards the end of our time together I had one final question.

“Now that we talked about what is really happening in your operation, was your boss right or wrong?” I asked.

There was a long pause.

And another.

“Right, [expletive], it.”

The revelation was clear.  The boss was trying their best to coach this leader about an identified problem in their operation.  The boss was right.  The leader could not see the problem, but focused on the issue with the boss instead.  The whole time this leader was fighting against the boss, valuable time had been lost and the situation was getting worse.

My friend’s message and this meeting made me think about my own life.  How often do I take something personally or let my ego get in the way of becoming a better leader, manager, husband, father or employee?

I am taking my friend’s advice to identify these situations and try to be a little more humble.  Whenever I find myself disagreeing or saying that someone is “wrong” I take a step back.  Maybe the boss (or whoever is trying to tell me something) is right.

Reluctant Leadership

Posted on by Carl Weber

Working with people can be a lot of fun.  Either in groups, or one on one, being able to help people discover themselves and their style is very rewarding.  The reward comes from knowing that their personal, professional or leadership journey is progressing and moving forward.  In some small way, you were there providing advice, suggesting a course of action, or just offering the encouragement they needed to do what they know needed to be done long before you arrived.

Lately there has been a notable trend: Reluctant Leadership.

Granted, some behavioral styles and inner motivations are more “natural” leaders.  Other styles are more prone to support others or take the second or third chair.  But this pattern of reluctance lately has even included people who would normally be wired to lead, and lead well.  Where is this reluctance coming from?

Not wanting to lead appears to go deeper than just behavioral style and opportunity.  This reluctance is a murky swamp of reasons more profound that I originally realized.  When talking with some of these individuals, the list has included guilt, shame, fear, doubt and the list goes on and on.  You can hear their Narrators shouting when you interact with them, providing the reasons not to lead.  It is almost as if someone or something knew the need for leadership and preemptively attacked them so they would not, or could not lead.

Are some leaders bad?  Yes.  Have you tried to lead and were unsuccessful? Maybe. Should you stop trying?  NO!  Leading others is messy, hard, tiring, and amazing at the same time.  People need you.  They need you to step up and lead despite your fears, doubt or whatever that reason is that keeps you on the bench and out of the game.

The more I read epic stories (the kind that last for generations) most have a reluctant leader who transforms into the Hero, despite their self-limiting perspective and doubt.  We all identify with that reluctance and fear, and the corresponding hope that they will be successful in the end.  Maybe those authors over the ages have been trying to remind us of something: the best heroes are those who led despite reluctance.

All styles can lead.  All styles can lead well.  In some cases, we have over-glorified the strong dominant leadership style making others feel as if they cannot lead.  Some of the best leaders are those who encourage others, mend prior wounds, and help others become great.

Ironically, in most of the classic stories, the reluctant leaders are the “good guys” and those who we typically would associated with type A commanding leadership styles are the “bad guys.”  Maybe those authors were trying to tell us something.

The Intersection of Stress and Creativity: Writer’s Block

Posted on by Carl Weber

Writer’s Block.  It was bound to happen, right?  Here I was typing away week after week; telling stories, posing questions, and offering some advice.  The journey has been difficult at times, but there was progress.  Until now.  What happened?

I heard from someone tonight that was reading some of the older posts (the one about the laundry facility, one of my personal favorites) and I described that I was stuck and didn’t know what to write next.  They immediately started to pose questions to me.

“Do you have a big project at work?”

“No, but I have been pretty busy, spending a lot of time traveling and have a stressful week and a seminar this weekend.”  (Hey, I am usually the one that asks the questions.)

It all started to become clear.  It was stress.  That subtle drain on our resources, creativity, and ideas.  The trouble with stress is the cumulative increase comes in like a trickle that can go unnoticed until it becomes a wall between us and our goals.

What can we do about it?  Recognizing that it was stress helped…a lot.  Identifying the barriers in our lives is always a good place to start.  What is it for you?  Is it stress? Worry? Fear?  A combination of all three?  If it is, that is one intersection where we should not linger too long.

Processing this out with someone else also helped.  Remember, we are not alone on this journey.  We don’t always have to tough it out by ourselves.  There are others in our circles who can lend a hand, offer an encouraging word, just listen when we need it most, or even simply ask the right questions.

“Are you thinking of anything you’ve wanted to write about but were not sure if it was good enough?  You should write that, since someone probably needs that message or will just enjoy it.”

Funny, that someone turned out to be me.