Category: Communication

Who are you?

Posted on by Carl Weber

Seriously, who are you?  Have you thought about why you are they way you are?  Why do you do things a certain way? Why is it that you can connect so well with some people, and others can be so difficult?

Spend a few moments to answer this: Who do you think you are?  (Not yelling at you like a drill sergeant “Who do you think you are!)

Take a moment to describe who you are.

Think of one word descriptors that help provide insight into your style and help others appreciate what you bring to the table.

Positive?

Funny?

Driven?

Cautious?

For some, the words are positive and for others the words are negative (see the Silencing the Narrator posts for more details) but either way these words help you better understand your own style.

A word of caution: we tend to judge others in our own image.

If you are driven you look at everyone who is not and draw conclusions about their passion and dedication.  If you are realistic you look at optimistic people you may just wish they understood the complexity of the situation…then they would see the limitations inherent in the problem.

I work with a lot of people and organizations helping them identify and understand their own behavioral style and the impact it has on their leadership and communication style. Knowing yourself is an important first step.  Knowing others is the second.  Coming to grips that different is not wrong, it is just different is the third and somewhat difficult step.

Sometimes the style that differs the most from yours is exactly what you need to balance out your own style.

Over the next few weeks, we will discuss some of these styles.  (Don’t worry, I will put some fun stuff in there along the way.)  Hang on, it should be a fun ride.

Obviously I Had Lobster as a Child

Posted on by Carl Weber

I was thinking back recently about how the words we use and the statements we make help define who we are, especially with others.  You form an opinion about others by the words that escape from their world into yours.  You are even forming one about me right now!

The trouble is, at least for me, is that the distance between my brain and my mouth is incredibly short.  Words travel that distance at such a quick pace, that most of the time they escape from my lips without the benefit of a much-needed filter.

Thinking about this made me remember a time when we were in Virginia having dinner with a group of friends.  The discussion shifted towards everyone’s place of origin and what foods we grew up eating.

“Obviously, I had lobster as a child”  blurted out one friend.

The room erupted.  This friend always gave off the impression of affluence anyway, and this statement sealed the deal.  It took us a good five minutes to stop the incessant giggling and this friend was trying desperately to clarify the statement.  This is what they meant to say.

“I grew up in New England.  Frankly, it is hard to throw a rock in the summer and not hit a lobster.  Traditionally most families in New England treat themselves to lobster, at least once a year, so since I am from New England, one could conclude logically that I had lobster as a child.”

Take a moment to think about your impression of others.  If you catch someone on a bad day, or when they are in a rush, you still form your opinion about them. Is it that opinion accurate?  Is that who they really are?  Be careful.  What they say, what you hear, and what they mean may be worlds apart.  Maybe you should see how obvious it is that they had lobster as a child. 

Specifics

Posted on by Carl Weber

Have you ever noticed how often we correct each other on minor details?  When you hear someone telling a story and they get one small specific detail wrong do you hear others chime in?  Do you chime in?  I notice this at work, at parties, and even between my own kids.

Picture this.  You are at a party and someone is trying to tell this great story, and someone else who knows the details is right next to them…helping.

Person 1:  “So last Wednesday, I was walking down Main Street and you will never guess who I met.”

Person 2:  “I believe it was Tuesday.”

Person 1:  “Oh yeah, right, so Tuesday, I was walking down Main Street.”

Person 2:  “I thought you said it was North Street?”

Neither correction matters to the listener.  We are still there anxiously waiting to hear about who they met on the street, and the specific day or specific street is much less relevant.

Whenever I see this happen, I watch the storyteller.  Their story, yes their story, is being taken over by someone else.  Their frustration rises, and eventually they are forced to say “why don’t you just tell it then.”

A few years ago, my wife and I were at a concert.  It was a pretty intimate venue so we felt like we were really part of something amazing.  The band began talking about their new song.  This song had not been heard before, and deals with the tragic loss of someone close.

“When death like a gypsy, comes to steal what I love” is one of the lines.

One of the band member began to share a story.

“So this song deals with the loss of someone close.  And how hard it is when tragedy comes in and takes from you.  I recently met someone who lost their friend in the nightclub fire in New Hampshire.  Someone close to them.”

From the crowd (more than one person):  “Rhode Island…not New Hampshire.”

“Right…Specifics.”

There was silence.  Silence that resulted from our collective shame in trying to correct the details of a story that was meant to help us understand loss.  I even caught myself during the story thinking “I think he means Rhode Island.”  

Stories matter.  They help us to understand each other and the world around us.  Let people tell their stories.  When you find yourself about to correct the details…stop and let it go.  Remember it is only “specifics.”

Silencing the Narrator (Part 3)

Posted on by Carl Weber

We are in the home stretch…You can do it, you can make it through!

The Narrator appears in various ways.  Various types of negative “self-talk” are easy to identify if you listen.  I have developed a habit of listening for other people’s narrator, and I hear them all the time.  (Yes, it gives me something to do at parties.)  If you listen carefully, you may hear them as well.  Let’s look at a few examples.

Black or White Thinking:  Either you are perfect or you are a total failure.  “They didn’t like the report’s conclusion, why did we even try?”

Pessimistic Thinking:  It is never going to work out right.  “No matter how hard we try, management will never listen, they never do.”

Catastrophic Thinking:  Taking one event and magnifying it to a fictional conclusion. “My boss mentioned that I need to work harder, times are tough, he and other managers were working late…are they meeting to fire me?”

Comparing:  Measuring yourself against others.  “My sales will never match their numbers, they have it all together.”

Discounting:  Not being able to accept positive feedback.

This is one I hear the most, especially in the workplace.  Just this week, I was talking with someone and attempted to provide some feedback because their performance has been great.  I stopped by to see them and started up a conversation.

“Hi, just wanted to stop by and check in.  Your efforts to get out into the customer base in the past few months has really paid off…”

(Before I could finish) “I know that it has not been enough and I am not great at this you know…I will try harder.”

Do you hear that Narrator trying so hard to take away any positive news?  As a manager or leader are you listening to those around you, and listening for the Narrator?  If not, you may pass right over this without even noticing.  Having your team know their value may require a little more effort because of the Narrator.

Recognition is important, and doing it doesn’t really cost you much. Without being in tune with your people your efforts may not be penetrating through their Narrators.

Mind Reading:  Assuming people are thinking the worst about you.

Actually.  A pretty harmless word right?  But watch how this can play out.  During a recent conversation, I realized how much of a trigger this word can be for me.  It was during this dialogue that I realized how much my Narrator keys in on certain words or phrases and tries to insert the mind reading technique.  Here is how it went down.

“Actually Carl, that was pretty insightful.”

(My Narrator): So Carl, did you hear how surprised they were that for once you were “actually” insightful.

Luckily, I have become more aware of my own Narrator and can address it when it appears (not always, but it is getting better).  I joke with this person now when we talk about their use of “actually” and how my Narrator can no longer use it against them.

If you listen you will hear Narrators in the workplace, in your homes, and in your organizations.  Our role as leaders, managers, peers, or friends can be to provide some positive narration and call out the Narrator when we hear it.  Identifying these Narrators is the first step.

Be a Good Narrator.  First for yourself, then for others and watch what happens. Silence that Bad Narrator for a minute and hear this: You can make a difference.  

After my first post, someone questioned me about why they would silence their Narrator because their Narrator was a little cheerleader in their head.  I laughed and was reminded of one of the techniques they taught those Navy Seal candidates was positive self-talk and their passing rate went from 25 percent to 33 percent.  I smile just thinking about a bunch of tough guys sitting around telling themselves “you are good enough” and “you are going to make it.”  Can you hear their little cheerleaders?  Silence the Bad Narrator, encourage the Good One.

Silencing the Narrator (Part 2)

Posted on by Carl Weber

I began to think about the Narrator, and its influence on our ability to lead, interact with others, or achieve our goals.  During this time of reflection, a few events stuck in my mind.

The first was a program on the History Channel called “the Brain.”  While discussing fear, and our brain’s reaction to fear, the show depicted Navy Seal training.  The show highlighted one of its hardest aspects: Pool Comp.  Pool Comp is a series of underwater exercises when a candidate is pushed to the limit while an instructor is systematically disrupting their air supply.  These candidates need to override what is happening in their brains.

In developing an approach that would lead to greater success the Navy realized that candidates had to tackle “self-talk”…that inner Narrator.  The difference between “Can do” and “Can’t” from the Narrator impacted a candidate’s ability to override the fear associated with the activity (trying to function while not drowning) and succeed.  

The study also concluded that a person’s inner voice or Narrator can speak somewhere between 300 and 1,000 words per minute.  I have been told that I speak quickly, but even I can’t compete with that.

The second event happened closer to home.  When my youngest was five, I heard her say something that I will never forget.

“I am just a bad girl.”

She was five!!!  Where did she hear this?  How did she come to this conclusion?  What was going on?  Who told her this?

I replayed the past few weeks and months in my mind.  I searched for what could cause her to reach this conclusion…and there it was.

To provide a little context, for about the six or eight weeks prior to this statement, she was trying to make her own breakfast each morning.  She was five.  She was trying to be more independent.  Each day started off the same:  get a bowl, a box of cereal, and a gallon of milk and pour them together.  The result was a huge mess.  Every morning the ratio between what ended up on the floor and what landed into the bowl was about 90/10.  I also pictured my dialogue during this time.

“Don’t spill.”

“Why are you doing it that way.”

“Just let me do it.”

“Why don’t you pour it this way.”

Unintentionally, I sided with and encouraged her Narrator.  Apparently, my daughter, potential Navy Seals and all of us have something in common: the Narrator.  How we deal with and silence the bad Narrator, while encouraging the good Narrator may make the difference between success and failure.  We will tackle some of that next.

Sorry for the many parts, but there is a lot of ground to cover.  Hang on it will be totally worth it.

 

Silencing the Narrator (Part 1)

Posted on by Carl Weber

Lately when talking with various leaders and individuals, the concept of story comes up a lot.  I seem to hear or read people using it more often or maybe I am just more inclined to hear it.  One day I was describing the notion of “story” or the “hero’s journey” in our lives. (See Joseph Campbell’s book: The Hero with a Thousand Faces.)

Essentially, the idea is that classic stories follow a pretty consistent pattern.  The protagonist lives a simple life, is called into something larger than themselves, faces hardship, doubts themselves, makes hard choices to push forward (while longing for their old life – one that no longer exists), succeed despite the odds, and become the hero that causes our hearts to stir and cheer for them.

I was describing this in the context of leadership.  How everyday choices we make, how we interact with others, the risks we take, either add to our role as the protagonist, or because of our words and actions, we may switch roles in the story.  We sometimes become the sort of character that would even stop us from cheering for ourselves.

But I had a revelation, but as soon as I said it I had to take it back.

“The trouble in our lives versus a Story is there is one major difference.  Great stories have a Narrator.  Our lives do not.”

I could feel how wrong I was the minute the words left my mouth.  All of a sudden, my past failures, mistakes, and poor choices seemed to flash before me.  And I heard a Narrator, both then and now.  An inner voice.  It wasn’t good.

Think back when you failed.  Think about a mistake, a failure.  What did you hear?  What do you still hear?

“Stupid.”

“Why did you even try?”

“You should just give up.”

“You are not [insert word here] enough.”

For some of us, the words we hear are even worse.  I had to modify my statement about our stories.

“I guess there is a Narrator, but unfortunately, it is a Bad Narrator.”

What does your Narrator say when your story becomes dark?  Are you continually reminded of mistakes and failures?  Reminded how you don’t measure up?  Does this inner dialogue disrupt your interaction with others, your ability to manage well?  If so, you are not alone.

Over the next few weeks, we will tackle some of the ways to Silence the Narrator but for now, just recognizing that it exists is a good first step.  As a good friend of mine reminded me recently, “your narrator sucks!”  

If so, why are we listening to it?