Author: Carl Weber

Carl Weber, is the owner and founder of Carl Weber Consulting, a consulting group that helps businesses, non-profits, and individuals understand themselves, hire and manage well, and become great leaders. Carl worked in local government for more than ten years, as the Town Administrator of a few towns in NH. Once upon a time he was a search and rescue swimmer for the US Navy. Carl holds Bachelors’ Degrees in Political Science & Community Development and a Master’s Degree in Public Policy. Carl is a Certified Professional Behavioral Analyst (CPBA) and Certified Professional Motivators Analyst (CPMA). Carl regularly teaches on human factors and the relationship of behavior and leadership styles, as well as motivation, coaching, leadership challenges, and failing as a leader. His passion is to help leaders in their lifelong journey to finish well, to combat and work with their inner voice, and to live a meaningful story worth reading. Carl lives in Southern New Hampshire with his wife Amanda and together they are raising a small tribe of four young (somewhat crazy) women with the goal of unleashing them on the world to change it for the better.

Obviously I Had Lobster as a Child

Posted on by Carl Weber

I was thinking back recently about how the words we use and the statements we make help define who we are, especially with others.  You form an opinion about others by the words that escape from their world into yours.  You are even forming one about me right now!

The trouble is, at least for me, is that the distance between my brain and my mouth is incredibly short.  Words travel that distance at such a quick pace, that most of the time they escape from my lips without the benefit of a much-needed filter.

Thinking about this made me remember a time when we were in Virginia having dinner with a group of friends.  The discussion shifted towards everyone’s place of origin and what foods we grew up eating.

“Obviously, I had lobster as a child”  blurted out one friend.

The room erupted.  This friend always gave off the impression of affluence anyway, and this statement sealed the deal.  It took us a good five minutes to stop the incessant giggling and this friend was trying desperately to clarify the statement.  This is what they meant to say.

“I grew up in New England.  Frankly, it is hard to throw a rock in the summer and not hit a lobster.  Traditionally most families in New England treat themselves to lobster, at least once a year, so since I am from New England, one could conclude logically that I had lobster as a child.”

Take a moment to think about your impression of others.  If you catch someone on a bad day, or when they are in a rush, you still form your opinion about them. Is it that opinion accurate?  Is that who they really are?  Be careful.  What they say, what you hear, and what they mean may be worlds apart.  Maybe you should see how obvious it is that they had lobster as a child. 

Your Sentence

Posted on by Carl Weber

In his book, Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us, Dan Pink (one of my favorite authors) challenges us to focus our lives in a simple way.  He tells a story about a woman who challenges President Kennedy that great people are defined by one sentence and she feared his legacy would be more like a muddled paragraph.  Take a look at this short video.

http://www.danpink.com/archives/2010/01/2questionsvideo

Dan challenges us to find our sentence.  The one statement that defines who we are, and acts like a filter for our choices each day.  I took this seriously and thought about my own sentence.  What would I want to define who I am, and what would I want to leave behind? Here is my sentence.

Was known for helping others on their journey.

That’s it.  Pretty simple right?  But think about how a simple sentence will resonate through everything we do.  For this sentence to be true, then how I lead, manage, communicate, parent, or relate to others needs to be consistent.  Did my actions help someone on their journey?  Today?

Dan goes one step further and wants us to ask ourselves one more question.  A way of putting action behind your sentence.

“Was I better today than yesterday?”

So over the next few days…take Dan’s advice.  Find your sentence, then put it into practice daily.  I look forward to hearing about the results.

Specifics

Posted on by Carl Weber

Have you ever noticed how often we correct each other on minor details?  When you hear someone telling a story and they get one small specific detail wrong do you hear others chime in?  Do you chime in?  I notice this at work, at parties, and even between my own kids.

Picture this.  You are at a party and someone is trying to tell this great story, and someone else who knows the details is right next to them…helping.

Person 1:  “So last Wednesday, I was walking down Main Street and you will never guess who I met.”

Person 2:  “I believe it was Tuesday.”

Person 1:  “Oh yeah, right, so Tuesday, I was walking down Main Street.”

Person 2:  “I thought you said it was North Street?”

Neither correction matters to the listener.  We are still there anxiously waiting to hear about who they met on the street, and the specific day or specific street is much less relevant.

Whenever I see this happen, I watch the storyteller.  Their story, yes their story, is being taken over by someone else.  Their frustration rises, and eventually they are forced to say “why don’t you just tell it then.”

A few years ago, my wife and I were at a concert.  It was a pretty intimate venue so we felt like we were really part of something amazing.  The band began talking about their new song.  This song had not been heard before, and deals with the tragic loss of someone close.

“When death like a gypsy, comes to steal what I love” is one of the lines.

One of the band member began to share a story.

“So this song deals with the loss of someone close.  And how hard it is when tragedy comes in and takes from you.  I recently met someone who lost their friend in the nightclub fire in New Hampshire.  Someone close to them.”

From the crowd (more than one person):  “Rhode Island…not New Hampshire.”

“Right…Specifics.”

There was silence.  Silence that resulted from our collective shame in trying to correct the details of a story that was meant to help us understand loss.  I even caught myself during the story thinking “I think he means Rhode Island.”  

Stories matter.  They help us to understand each other and the world around us.  Let people tell their stories.  When you find yourself about to correct the details…stop and let it go.  Remember it is only “specifics.”

A Few Moments for Yourself

Posted on by Carl Weber

I was meeting with someone the other day to help them understand who they are behaviorally.  A lot of what I do is helping people with their journey in life and work and how their particular behavioral style works for them (the good news) and how it doesn’t (the bad news).   

Coffee shops and bookstores with coffee shops are a great venue to deliver such news.  For no other reason, both options provide a great opportunity to people-watch while waiting for the other person to arrive.  The other fun thing about these public places is how often those around us appear to be so engaged with our conversations about how and why we live, work and communicate that they cannot help but eavesdrop.

During meetings with people I ask a lot of questions.

“How has your style become a barrier at work?”

“When was the time your style really worked for you?”

“How do others perceive you?”

During this particular meeting as we sipped lattes in that bookstore, another question came to mind.  Well, a lot of questions always do during meeting like this, but one kept bubbling up inside my head and I couldn’t shake it.  As I listened and heard more and more about how busy life for this person can be, I had to ask it.

“When was the last time you had a few moments for yourself?”

“What do you mean?”

“When have you ever stopped scheduling things for everyone else, and just went to a bookstore like this and just walked around?”

“Never.”

How often do you have a few moments for yourself?  If you are like most of the people I talk to…not very often.  Life is full of our work and managing our lives.  At the end of the day, you can lose yourself and the things you would like to do.  Maybe I think about this more because I am now half way through this life.  Between a pretty demanding job, a family, and a lawn that always seems to need mowing, time can just simply slip away.

It is ironic that someone will schedule time with me at one of these places, even if they won’t schedule time for themselves…at the same places.  It is tragic how many times everything else dominates our schedules leaving no time for us.

As our bookstore meeting was winding down, I couldn’t help myself.  I had to return to the matter at hand.

“So, we are already in a bookstore.  I am leaving.  You could take the next hour or so for yourself and just wander around.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

And they did.  I got an email a few days later describing how wonderful it was.  Life can be busy, especially when your job and situation requires you to constantly serve and coordinate everyone else.  What does your schedule look like?  Does your name appear on it?

Take a few moments for yourself.  Put YOU on your schedule.  

You are worth it.

Making a Difference

Posted on by Carl Weber

Are you making a difference?  Not just in the cosmic sense, but how about right now…today.  What is the one thing you can do this morning, this afternoon, or this evening that could positively impact your workplace, your home, or your community?

Does a coworker need encouragement?

Does a client need a call (and not just to sell them something)?

Is someone at work struggling; a peer, or maybe even your boss?

Is there a project you could assist with?

Is there an opportunity to lend a hand?

Is there something that is “not my job” that needs to be done?

Imagine if life was different.  Imagine if each day was given to you one day at a time.  To be given the next day you had to provide an answer to one simple question.

What was the one thing you did that made a difference today?

Would your answer earn a tomorrow?  The clock is ticking and I look forward to hearing your answer to the question.  

Go Make a Difference…Today.  You can do it!

Silencing the Narrator (Part 3)

Posted on by Carl Weber

We are in the home stretch…You can do it, you can make it through!

The Narrator appears in various ways.  Various types of negative “self-talk” are easy to identify if you listen.  I have developed a habit of listening for other people’s narrator, and I hear them all the time.  (Yes, it gives me something to do at parties.)  If you listen carefully, you may hear them as well.  Let’s look at a few examples.

Black or White Thinking:  Either you are perfect or you are a total failure.  “They didn’t like the report’s conclusion, why did we even try?”

Pessimistic Thinking:  It is never going to work out right.  “No matter how hard we try, management will never listen, they never do.”

Catastrophic Thinking:  Taking one event and magnifying it to a fictional conclusion. “My boss mentioned that I need to work harder, times are tough, he and other managers were working late…are they meeting to fire me?”

Comparing:  Measuring yourself against others.  “My sales will never match their numbers, they have it all together.”

Discounting:  Not being able to accept positive feedback.

This is one I hear the most, especially in the workplace.  Just this week, I was talking with someone and attempted to provide some feedback because their performance has been great.  I stopped by to see them and started up a conversation.

“Hi, just wanted to stop by and check in.  Your efforts to get out into the customer base in the past few months has really paid off…”

(Before I could finish) “I know that it has not been enough and I am not great at this you know…I will try harder.”

Do you hear that Narrator trying so hard to take away any positive news?  As a manager or leader are you listening to those around you, and listening for the Narrator?  If not, you may pass right over this without even noticing.  Having your team know their value may require a little more effort because of the Narrator.

Recognition is important, and doing it doesn’t really cost you much. Without being in tune with your people your efforts may not be penetrating through their Narrators.

Mind Reading:  Assuming people are thinking the worst about you.

Actually.  A pretty harmless word right?  But watch how this can play out.  During a recent conversation, I realized how much of a trigger this word can be for me.  It was during this dialogue that I realized how much my Narrator keys in on certain words or phrases and tries to insert the mind reading technique.  Here is how it went down.

“Actually Carl, that was pretty insightful.”

(My Narrator): So Carl, did you hear how surprised they were that for once you were “actually” insightful.

Luckily, I have become more aware of my own Narrator and can address it when it appears (not always, but it is getting better).  I joke with this person now when we talk about their use of “actually” and how my Narrator can no longer use it against them.

If you listen you will hear Narrators in the workplace, in your homes, and in your organizations.  Our role as leaders, managers, peers, or friends can be to provide some positive narration and call out the Narrator when we hear it.  Identifying these Narrators is the first step.

Be a Good Narrator.  First for yourself, then for others and watch what happens. Silence that Bad Narrator for a minute and hear this: You can make a difference.  

After my first post, someone questioned me about why they would silence their Narrator because their Narrator was a little cheerleader in their head.  I laughed and was reminded of one of the techniques they taught those Navy Seal candidates was positive self-talk and their passing rate went from 25 percent to 33 percent.  I smile just thinking about a bunch of tough guys sitting around telling themselves “you are good enough” and “you are going to make it.”  Can you hear their little cheerleaders?  Silence the Bad Narrator, encourage the Good One.